Not a person, just overweight

People treat you differently when you're overweight.

Its the little things. If I wasn't so aware of peoples facial expressions and tone of voice then maybe I wouldnt notice. But I am, so I do.

This morning when I got on the bus, the driver couldnt have been less bothered, he hardly grunted a word as I asked for my ticket and gave him the money. He put my change on the counter instead of handing it to me. Maybe this was just me being paranoid I thought.

But when I got off the bus, he 'see ya mate' to the guy in front of me, and grunted 'bye' to me as I got off. It upset me a little actually, why would he treat me any differently? It has to be because I'm overweight. Which is actually quite funny because the driver himself could do with losing a few pounds.

Everytime I walk past someone in the street or catch someone looking at me, my immediate thought is that they are thinking how overweight I am, and how awful I look. I guess this shows how little self confidence I have.

I dont feel myself, I feel like being overweight is stopping me from being who I really am. Not just fashion wise - though that is a very big part of it - its my personality too, things I want to do, things I want to say, its stopping me from being a mum right now too as I dont want to be overweight and pregnant.

I am feeling quite down today (as you may have noticed). I bought a top yesterday, I'm a size 16-18 at the moment (realising that buying a size 18 because I need it not because I want it a 'little baggy' was one of the most depressing moments of my life), the only size left in this top I wanted was 14 or 20, obviously 14 is too small so I went for 20 thinking it will look fine being a little bigger. When I tried it on at home it was too tight. I nearly cried. Now this shop I'm talking about is notorious for sizes, everyone who shops there has to get a size of two above their actual size, I have size 16 clothes from there that fit fine..... but this, this was horrendous-a size 20! Me! Whether it was a sizing issue or not, the bottom line was this top was a size 20 and it didnt fit. I felt ashamed, embarrassed. I got straight into my leggings and t-shirt and onto my exercise bike.

Maybe it is the kick up the bum I needed, things have slipped in the last couple of days. I lost a few pounds on the Dukan Diet, but went away at the weekend and it was just impossible to stick to. I justify it with 'its fine I'll just go back to normal and cut down my carbs'... didnt happen. God as I'm writing all of this I'm thinking how pathetic and weak willed it all sounds.

Why cant I just DO IT?! What is wrong with me that I cant control what goes into my mouth?

I have a wedding to go to in a couple of weeks, I was really hoping to lose a little weight for then, its not looking likely now unless something drastic happens.

I think I need professional help, this cant be normal.

Day 2 update

Day 2 done.

I have to admit I have cheated twice already... but my excuse is I had nothing for breakfast or snack and felt so hungry I was nauseous, and at work this isnt a good thing.So yesterday I had a packet of crisps mid morning as I was so hungry, but stuck to the diet the rest of the day. The second cheat was today so I will update that tomorrow.
I cant believe I didnt post my weight loss on yesterdays entry - 1.4 pounds! In one day!! When I weighed myself this morning I had lost another 1.2 pounds! So thats 2.6 pounds in 2 days, I'm pretty chuffed with that. I know you lose water in the first couple of days but even on other diets I've never had weight loss like that - thats more like a weeks weight loss combined.
Anyway, I dont think it will be as good tomorrow seen as I have cheated again today... Its breakfast that I'm really struggling with now. I had yoghurt with oat bran mixed in on the first day, on the second day I had yoghurt on its own, and today I tried oat bran porridge which is DISGUSTING!! I was so hungry and couldnt finish it. So I think I will stick with yoghurt from now on.
I found it a lot easier yesterday, the first day was quite a slog and I felt nauseous and weak and soooo tired. But yesterday I felt a lot better. I have done exercise on both days up to now, even though I really didnt feel like it and I think its really helped.
I'm feeling quite bad just now about cheating, it wasnt even because I was craving crabs or anything, I was just hungry! I honestly havent craved anything in the last 3 days, not carbs or sweets or anything which I really thought I would. Also apart from the not knowing what to have for breakfast issue, I havent felt hungry either. Usually when on a diet I go to bed hungry, but not with this one.
All in all its going ok I would say, I'm not going to beat myself up about the 2 little cheats, and I wont let it ruin the whole day.

UPDATE
Today is a write off. Pathetic. I had a sausage sandwich for breakfast as I was starving and the porridge I made for myself from the daily allowance of oat bran was disgusting. I had nothing else to eat!!
Also when I went to get this, I also bought some crisps as I'm weak and couldnt possibly look at them without buying them. Urrgghhh I'm so annoyed with myself. Its so much harder than I thought it was going to be.
I actually feel really bloated now, its amazing the difference eating carbs makes. Hopefully stick to the diet for tea, do some exercise and maybe I'll at least stay the same tomorrow which is pretty much all I can hope for at the moment

UPDATE 2
I've had a thought... if I only eat soup for tea with no bread etc.. I might be able to claw back the naughtiness, what do you reckon? Its worth a shot hey.
In terms of what I've eaten its really not that bad-its more the fact that I'm not meant to have carbs... and I've eaten a bloody sausage sandwich.

Day 1 Update

Ok, so day 1 is done and dusted. 1 day down, 6 to go.

And its been bloody hard. It seems ridiculous to say that after one day but I'm really surprised at how it has effected me.

I feel absolutely knackered, even last night after tea I was so tired I went to bed early (though I did to 15 minutes high intensity interval training on my exercise bike... but this is something I do anyway..). This morning it was so hard to get up.

I also started to feel very light headed yesterday evening. Its amazing what cutting out a food group (carbs) can do to your body, its definitely not a diet I could stick to long term.

I didnt actually eat that much meat yesterday, but by the evening the thought of meat was making me feel quite nauseous! All after 1 day!

I'm struggling with meal ideas at the moment, last night was ham and cheese omlette, with a yoghurt for dessert, breakfast today is yoghurt with some oat bran biscuits (bit soft for biscuits but thats what they're called) but I have NO IDEA what to have for lunch. I'll just have to cobble something together-all I have in the fridge at work is ham, cottage cheese and a couple of dairylea slices!! Yum.

So as you can see, I'm struggling, and its only day 2.

I'll probably update again later when I've had my oh so yummy lunch.

Update

Its now 11.30, I had a SERIOUS wobble around 10ish this morning. I just felt so hungry, and the thought of doing this for another 6 days seemed a real chore and nigh on impossible. Its mainly the not knowing what to have for lunch and the fact its not very varied.

But I am now right back on track, having had a look for recipes on the Dukan website. I am so weak, I was ready to give up and give in but now I feel re-energised and raring to go again!!

Distract me

Well, its 4 hours since I had my breakfast of yoghurt and oat bran, and 2 hours since I had my snack of seafood sticks. My stomach is rumbling so loudly! And pretty much all I've thought about all morning is what I am having for my lunch!! God its only day one, but I am determined.. instead of eating something I came on here to post to take my mind off it.

I dont know if you're the same, but I dont like telling people I'm on a diet, I prefer to keep it private and to myself. I think it may be because deep down I think at some point I'm going to fail, and if I tell people then they'll know I have failed too. Also, I dont like people juding what you are or aren't eating, 'ooh should you be eating that' etc etc.

I really feel this time like I wont fail on this diet. I am trying to be positive and optimistic.

Exercise wise, I already do a zumba class once a week, and I'm thinking of doing a second class when I can afford it. I try to go on the bike as much as possible, from now on at least a couple of times a week. I've found its the exercise that usually makes the difference with me, so hopefully if I do this diet and maintain the exercise it will make a difference quicker than normal.

The amount of times I have started a new diet doesnt even bear thinking about, its almost farcical, but each time I do I believe that will be the time it works and I get down to goal weight. I suppose I have to believe that, because the thought of spending the rest of my life being overweight is so depressing. Its depressing to think I have spent all of my 20's being overweight to varying degrees.
But you have to look forward not back.

UPDATE

Ok, so I have just come off my lunch... and the realisation of how hard this really is has well and truly sunk in.
I had 1 1/2 slices of ham, some cottage cheese and some prawns in low fat sauce. And whilst it was ok it was a bit bland and I cant imagine having this or something similar for lunch everyday! I need some recipes for more interesting lunches or I will go stir crazy at work. Also need ideas for snacks as seafood sticks will soon become un bearable.
Going shopping tonight so hopefully can get some more interesting things to eat. I cant believe I'm saying this after 2 meals, but I'm thinking ahead and its not looking too rosey haha!

I'm back... and still on a diet

I cant believe its been so long since I last posted. To be fair I have been trying to log into my account for the last couple of weeks but couldnt remember the email I had been using or the password, then I remembered the email address but for the life of me could not remember the password.... any who its all sorted now so I'm back.

I cant remember what I weighed when I first started this, or if I even mentioned my weight anywhere on the blog, but I would imagine I'm pretty much the same now as I was then.

Inbetween now and then I have got married! Yes me married. I actually lost nearly 2 stone in the run up to the wedding, but I did it by practically starving myself and exercising more than I ever have done before. Its now a year and half later and I have put it all back on again. Pathetic hey. I think to myself why didnt I just keep going, I would be at my goal weight by now. But I didnt because as I have mentioned before I have no willpower and if I dont have something to aim for I go to pieces.

The main reason I felt motivated to start this blog again is the fact I'm trying the Dukan Diet which is a little like the Atkins Diet except it encourages you to eat lean cuts of meat and very low fat dairy products instead of absolutely any meat and dairy (inc cream).

You spend the 1st week eating nothing but protein (meats, fish and eggs) and v.low fat dairy plus 1.5 tblspns oat bran per day. I'll admit, this is going to be really really hard even though its only for the first 5-7 days (I'm going to try and do it for the whole 7 days as I have a fair bit to lose). This first phase is called the 'attack phase' and is supposed to kick start your weight loss.
The next phase is called the 'cruise phase' and this is where you alternate between protein only days and days where you introduce other food such as veg and fruit. This continues until you have reached your goal weight, so for me anywhere up to a year.

This is what I will be eating/drinking today:
Breakfast- Fat free strawberry biopot with 1.5 tblspns oat bran mixed in
Lunch- Prawns, low fat cottage cheese, possibly some lean ham
Tea- Ham omlette, possibly low fat soft cheese on the side
Snacks- crab sticks, possibly vanilla roulade (got a good recipe from the Dukan Diet website for this one!)
Few cups of tea
Can of diet coke
1.5 litres of water

I have tried losing weight off my own bat, it works initially but I just dont have the willpower or stamina to keep it going past the first couple of weeks. So this is why I'm trying to follow an actual diet - where the rules and regulations and boundaries are clearly set out for you.

I've heard good things about this diet, I'm not naive trust me, but I havent read a single bad review and the weight losses seem to be pretty decent.
It takes willpower..... of which you know I'm pretty low on, but I'm really going to try my hardest.
I dont know if its in my head, but I feel the biggest I have ever been at the moment. Actually it must be in my head as I know I have weighed more than this.
I dont feel I look nice in anything I wear. I catch my reflection in a window and cant believe that fat person is me. I look at girls who are overweight and wonder if I look better or worse than them, or if thats what I look like. It makes me feel sick.
I dont think I will ever not be like this, even when I do lose the weight, it will be a lifelong struggle for me. But if I can get to goal weight I will just have to keep it under control, then its just about maintaining.

I will do it.