Rollercoaster

I'm struggling a bit at the moment.

I go through a definite pattern of phases when I try and lose weight. Good, bad, good, bad etc etc ad infinitum.

Lately though it feels like the bad phases seem to be lasting longer than usual.
Over christmas I STS for 2 weeks, which I was very happy with, but I would class that as bad period. Then I lost 1lb, then 2.5lb which is definitley a good period. I was hoping it would last 3 or 4 weeks but then last week I STS again, and it loks like I'm on course for another STS this week.
Its very frustrating.
Last week I knew I had been good so I put it down to it being * week. But this week?? Who knows. I have been going for it exercise wise, which I have heard can affect weight loss, but I have been drinking at least 2L of water a day which I thought would counteract this.
I know I shouldnt weigh myself during the week but as I have said in earlier posts, I hate not having some idea of how I've done before I step on the scales. I would have had a MASSIVE shock last week if I hadnt of done that, as I thought I'd done really well.

Another thing I've heard recently, is that your weight loss/gain is actually dependant on how you've done the previous week, i.e. if you have been naughty and eaten say 10 chocolate bars, it takes a week for it to show on the scales, its not immediate. Buuuuut, if that were the case, then I would be showing a good loss this week as I was so good last week.

Oh I don't know, I reckon I definitely think too much about it, and in too much detail. But I just cant help it!

I guess we'll see later when I go to class, but I'm not looking forward to it (not that I ever do of course).
Expect an update tomorrow..... fingers crossed.

Water Water

I've been trying to drink loads of water recently.

Yesterday I drank 3L of water, which is quite a lot! 2 during the day and one during and after zumba.

Ever since reading that if you do exercise you have to make sure you drink a lot of water or you risk putting ON weight, its almost become an obsession. I'm addicted to water! Who'd have thought!

Before I started SW I would say I was addicted to diet coke/diet pepsi. I hardly ever drank water.

Since then I hardly ever drink coke and if I do I find it really sweet and it gives me a headache. Funny how your tastes change and how your body adapts to whatever you put in it.

I cant believe I ate so badly for so long. You hear people say 'treat your body like a temple' and you think yeah yeah hippy dippy talk. But actually its so true, your body is all you have, you should treat it well and with respect for the amazing machine that it is.

Anywho... I'm hoping to get in a bit more exercise over the weekend. Possibly badminton tomorrow, and a long walk round Sutton Park on Sunday before visiting the in-laws. I can take my snazzy new camera with me too and take some pics on the way round.
Exercise this week - 25 minutes on the bike then 10 minutes weights, 1 hour zumba, 1 hour badminton, 1.5 hours walk. I think that should make a difference this week, but then I thought that last week... I'm trying to stay positive though, I don't think I could face a none loss 2 weeks in a row. I really really want to stay motivated and not seeing results for the hard work is the biggest demotivator going.

I'm 30 in 3 months, when I first started SW my 30th birthday was my target date-this gave me 7 months to lose 4.5 stone. It was possibly a little ambitious... little did I know I'd be a 'slow loser' and 4 months in wouldn't even be half way there.
I've learnt along the way that setting target dates only ultimately leads to disappointment and I've given up doing it now. I am just going to keep plodding along and I will weigh what I weigh when I get there. I know this much though, it will be at least 1.5 stone less than I weighed on my 29th birthday. And that's something to be proud of.

Food and Me

I was thinking yesterday about my relationship with food. It sounds so poncy put like that doesnt it.
I have never liked salad, veg; could take it or leave it. Always had a sweet tooth.
When I was around 5, my mum says all I would eat for weeks at a time was cold spaghetti hoops.
I remember being about 9, sat at the dinner table. Everyone else had salad with their tea and I refused to eat any. I didnt like the texture, and still dont. My Dad made me sit at the table until I ate a piece of lettuce. I think it took me about half an hour and I pretty much havent eaten any since that day!
I'm very funny about the texture of food, and the smell. If it doesnt smell right I absolutely cannot eat it. Im also funny about eating in front of other people, and other people eating in front of me. If someones eating horribly it totally puts me off my food, and I feel really self concious about eating in front of people I dont know, or dont know very well. I dont know where all these issues have come from. I've had them as long as I can remember.
I've used food as a comforter, a reward, to cure boredom. I've eaten when I'm happy, to celebrate. Food - the cure all.

I was writing out my shopping list yesterday and I had a moment where I was amazed at the things I was writing down. And the things I wanted to write down. Salmon, veg, more veg, chopped toms, quorn, cous cous.... But it got me thinking that whilst I enjoy a lot of what I eat, if I'm honest I'm only really eating it in order to lose weight. And this thought scared me a little, am I going to be able to maintain this when I get to target. I guess nobody really knows. Hopefully by then I will love all the food I'm eating and will really want to stick with eating it.
I think I'm getting there slowly. When I think of the food I used to eat every night-pizza and chips, chicken and chips, spag bol, stodge stodge stodge basically-beige stodge, I couldnt stomach it anymore. The thought of it actually makes me feel a little ill! I used to eat so many chips, now I have them once a week if that on my meal off after weigh in.
So maybe I'm doing better mentally than I think I am.
Its so hard to change your way of thinking though. I've lost 17lb so far and although I can see that my trousers are getting loser, I dont feel like I look any different at all. And no-one has really said I look like I've lost weight either. These people dont know I'm on a diet granted, but I would have hoped someone would have noticed by now. Maybe after another stone or so it will become really noticeable.

I really dont want to sound negative about the whole issue, so I hope it isnt coming across that way. I am absolutely ecstatic about losing 17lbs, its the best I've done for absolutely ages and I feel positive about the weeks to come.
All I'm doing is trying to figure out - probably for myself more than anyone - why I'm in this situation and the things I'm going through.

A Small Blip

Phew, its been a busy week.. hence the not much posting.

I've had a good week in terms of SW, done lots of exercise and drank LOTS of water. BUT..
Stayed the same at weigh in last night :( I was so so disappointed. When I think I STS over Christmas when I was eating some naughty stuff, I cant believe a week like I've just had would produce the same result.
The only thing I can think that would have affected it is the fact I started my period this week (sorry if TMI!) and that can sometimes cause a result like this.
Whatever the reason, I was absolutely GUTTED.

Now, I am a cryer. I cry mostly out of frustration a lot of the time, and once its coming I cant usually stop it. I held it in at the SW class, but as soon as I was in the car out came the tears. I think this week it was because I felt really robbed. I had a good week and had nothing to show for it. It almost feels like a wasted week. I know that sounds dramatic but when you know in your heart you have really given it 100% and you are expecting a loss, its a disappointing shock when you stand on the scales and nothing changes.
It really is an emotional rollercoaster being on a diet. Especially one like this where once a week you are accountable for your actions - if you have been naughty you are only cheating yourself, and more often than not it will show on the scales. (Though there are some annoying people who seem to get away with having naughty weekends etc and still lose. I am definitely not one of them. If I so much as look at a cream cake I put on 1lb).

After the tears had stopped, and I had calmed down a little, I became quite determined that I would not let this ruin next weeks result. In the past I may have been tempted to give up at this point. Or start to be naughty thinking 'well I dont lose if I stick to it so why bother'. But I didnt have that thought in my head at all. In fact quite the opposite. I think it made me realise that this time I am so so determined. And I am not going to give up until I get there. It really has clicked for me this time.

So here I am at the start of another week. Determined to have another saintly 7 days and hopefully see the results this time.

I feel sometimes like I put a lot of pressure on myself. No-one else is pressuring me, least of all my husband. He's such a great support and is happy with any loss at all each week. But when I dont do so well like this week I feel like I am letting people down, and like I'm no good and why isnt it working for me.

I'm also TTC at the moment. (trying to conceive for those of you not au faix with the lingo). We've been trying for 5 months now and I feel a little under pressure from that too. I know I'm overweight and I'm doing something to try and sort that. But heavier people than me get pregnant so that cant be the only reason its not catching.
Maybe I was a little naive when we started trying. I thought it would happen in a couple of months, but so far nothing. Its quite upsetting. We are both longing for a baby and we've done it right - been together 10 years this year and married for 2. Decided to wait until we feel ready emotionally and financially, so it feels a little unfair that we dont get pregnant at the drop of a hat like some people seem to.
I'm 30 in a couple of months, and it scares me that I'll be trying for my first baby in my 30's. All the medical advice seems to say it starts to get harder when you turn 30. Also I would like 2 or 3 kids so I will be in my mid 30's by the time I'm trying for those.
Anyways, as you can see I tend to get in quite a tiz about it once I get going. I'm trying to stay calm but the longer it goes on the more convinced I am that something is wrong with me or my husband.

I guess regarding both issues, I just have to keep plodding on and trying to stay positive. And not falling into old habits like giving up at the first hurdle.

Time Flies

The weeks go so fast lately.
You have to make every day count on SW as before you know it, its the weekend and (in my case) weigh in on Monday! It seems to come round so fast.

So far this week, I reckon I've been pretty good. Made a really tasty butternut squash and bacon risotto for tea last night, the husband is loving the amount of new meals I'm making lately!
I've also been on the exercise bike once and I'm going to my weekly zumba class tonight. Which I actually look forward to, imagine that! Friday I will be on the bike again, and at some point over the weekend my and hubby will go on a super long walk again. Well if it worked last week, I'm sure as hell gonna try again this week!

There are so many weight loss programmes on at the moment. On Tuesday night I watched a programme called The Biggest Loser UK. Now I'm in 2 minds about this show. On the one hand, these people are getting a massive helping hand and making positive changes to their health and wellbeing, that they admit freely-they couldnt have done by themselves. They're taught about things such as nutrition and exercise, and have 3 personal trainers with them everyday.
But, the issue I have with the show, is that it does sometimes feel like we're intruding on private moments. Standing on a scale (with your t-shirt off..the men obviously) and being weighed in front of god knows how many people just seems a little humiliating to me. I know they know what they've signed up for.. but still.

I would hate for anyone to know what I weigh. The only people who know are me, the weighing lady (for want of a better description) and the sw class leader. (Oh and anyone who reads this blog ha). Not even my husband. I'm too ashamed, and even when I hit my target weight I can imagine being too embarrassed to tell anyone. I dont mind telling people what I've lost - thats a whole different kettle of fish!

It's embarrassing to know you've let yourself get to this situation. And to know no matter what you wear, or how you act, that other people know it too. Just by looking at you. Its not something you can hide or cover up. Some days you may feel better about yourself and think you look a little nicer. But to everyone else, you look the same, overweight. I can't wait for the day when people dont look at me and only see an overweight person.
I watch these weight loss programmes, and knowing I am included in the statistics is pretty depressing. 'X amount of people in Britain are overweight' that includes me I think, I am one of those people they're talking about.
I dont want to be part of that number anymore.

The Results are IN

*Drum roll please*.... 2.5lb lost!
YIPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

I am a slow and steady 1lb a week girl (and sometimes 0.5lb a week), so any loss over 1lb is amazing, I was grinning like a cheshire cat all night long.
Im up to 17lb total weight loss now, and fast approaching the best I have ever done on a weight loss plan (which was about 21lb on WW about 6-7 years ago). I missed a week of WW after going on holiday, then one week turned into 2 and so on and so on. 6 years later I started SW 3 stone heavier. When I see it like that in black and white I cant believe I ever let myself get so much more overweight when I was SO CLOSE to being in the 'normal' weight range. I could kick myself.

Its so important to try and go to class and get officially weighed as often as you can. I am so motivated at the moment, that over Christmas I attended a SW class the day after boxing day up at my mums house in Lancashire. I looked on the internet to see where my nearest one was, and just turned up (the beauty of SW is that you can attend any class in the country if you need to). The class leader was really welcoming and the lady weighing was impressed that I STS (as was I!).

So... what did I do different this week. Well, there are a couple of things that spring to mind. The first being exercise.
In the first couple of weeks on SW I did a fair bit of exercise, (I always have when losing weight, I find exercise is the key with me). I found that my losses were a steady 1lbish per week which I was happy with. Then I was a bit poorly one week and didnt exercise at all, and lost 3lb! The correllation didnt go unnoticed, and from then on I reduced the exercise and didnt exercise at all over the weekend - just before my weigh in. The next week I put on 1lb. Hmmm, strange thing this weight loss lark.

Following that I exercised once or twice a week max, and went back to losing 1lbish per week.
This week I decided to do something different, I have nearly overdosed on exercise! HIIT (high intensity interval training) on the exercise bike twice for 25 minutes each, 1 hour zumba class and a 2 1/2 hour walk on Saturday morning. It seems to have done the trick! I dont want to get hung up on it though because it wont necessarily produce the same results every week. But I think getting back on the exercise train is definitely the way yo go. And also, it helps with tightening and toning up so you're not left with lots of saggy skin.
Secondly, I did up my intake of veg this week, and had a couple of vegge meals such as Spicey Quorn and Bean Bake. It was so yummy! I had it with pasta and a bit of cheese so the whole meal was free (cheese was my HEXA).

One thing I will say is I had a fried breakfast (non SW... dont ask) and a few chocolates from leftover Christmas presents during the week... and I still lost 2.5lb. Im not advising people do this every week, but it just goes to show you dont have to completely deprive yourself. I have never felt deprived on SW, whereas on WW I spent a lot of the time feeling hungry and having a rumbly stomach. It might work great for some, its personal choice I suppose.

Weigh in Day

So today is weigh in day.
I always feel a mix of dread and excitement on a Monday.. which starts on the Sunday before.

I have some weird kind of rituals (rituals is the wrong word really but I cant think of a better one right now), that start on the Sunday in preperation for weigh in on Monday, which I'm sure some people would class as obsessive behaviour, but they make me feel better and more confident about weigh in so there you go.
On Sunday I dont necessarily eat less, I just make sure the things I am eating aren't very dense.. The day before weigh in I guess you could eat whatever crap you wanted as long as it didnt weigh very much.

I once overheard a conversation in the weigh in queue, one woman was saying 'I've only had breakfast and some monster munch today, I'm scared of eating too much heavy stuff in case if affects the weigh in', other woman responds 'dont be silly, it doesnt affect weigh in, you could eat anything', she responds 'of course it matters, if you ate 1lb of potatoes you would be 1lb heavier than if you didnt!'. That kind of stuck with me, probably not for the better. So now I basically dont eat very much on weigh in day. I eat my 2 meals and a snack... but definitely less that I usually would.
I'm not naive, I totally understand that this probably isnt the recommended behaviour... but once you've done it once, its very hard not to do it as you genuinely think it will affect your weigh in that week!

I get very nervous in the queue waiting to be weighed. Your loss and weight is supposed to be private, but usually the meetings are held in such a small room that its impossible not to hear peoples results (and see their weight in their books). Which is fine if you've done really well, not so good if you've had a gain...
But if you've had a loss, boy oh boy do you feel good! Big grin, pat on the back etc etc.

What I do after weigh in is have a meal 'off plan'. This is a meal I fancy, without necessarily sticking to the SW rules, and no syn counting either. Some people advise against this type of thing, saying it doesnt break the chain of classing things as 'naughty food' (SW say nothing is off limits, you just have to have it in moderation and within your daily syns).
Other say imagine your weight loss if you didnt have this meal every week.

There are lots of different points of view, but my personal point of view is that I know my limitations. I know that if I didnt have a meal off every week I would simply crave this food and go off plan during the week trying to satisfy my cravings. And I really look forward to this meal, I'll admit less and less as the weeks go on though. Its funny how your taste buds change. But dont get me wrong, its still a meal I savour.
My way of look at it is its better to have a planned deviation and keep in control, than to have a craving for something that gets out of control and to totally ruin a whole day with 'well its ruined now I might as well give up for today'. Each to their own.

I read an article on The Guardian website recently about weight loss clubs such as Slimming World, and it was scathing to say the least.
Basically it was saying that these clubs rely on people failing in order for them to carry on as a business and make money. In a way I can see their point, but I know from personal experience that without the 'fear of the scales' I just dont do very well. I dont have a high level of motivation (as you may have picked up from earlier posts..though this is improving) and I just continually cheat (even though even as I'm doing it I know I'm only cheating myself). So I find that this way works for me.
People who have never had weight problems cannot even begin to imagine the psychological issues that go hand in hand with overeating. The comments on this article were all of the 'just exercise more and eat less' nature. Which infuriates me. We all know HOW to lose weight, but DOING it is much, much harder.

Brand New Start.

Oh my gosh.

I have just logged on here for the first time since August and I CANT BELIEVE how much things have changed.

I sound so depressed in all my posts, and I was, I can see that now. Clutching at quick fixes and fad diets, all in vain. Hating myself, using food as a crutch/comforter then hating myself again when it all went wrong.

I feel like I am a totally different person, and actually reading through my old posts was starting to make me a bit angry. The total lack of commitment and tenacity has shocked me and made me realise exactly how much I have changed in this short space of time.

It can all be attributed to two words: Slimming World.

Now, I have tried Slimming World in the past but (surprise surprise) my heart wasn’t in it and I made minimal effort to really understand the plan and left after about 3 weeks. I know right. Pathetic. It sums up pretty much every experience of weight loss attempts I have ever had.

I’m gona be really honest with you here, the reason I decided to go back to Slimming World is because I had an almighty argument with my husband about my weight.
He has always been really understanding and loves me for me, I know that for a fact. But he had obviously noticed I was getting bigger and bigger and after a discussion about starting trying for a baby (which I was desperate to do) he basically said I needed to address my weight before we could even consider this. I was absolutely heartbroken. Probably because he had hit a nerve and was 100% right, but to have it spelt out to you is really hard to take.

It took me another 2 weeks to do anything but on the Monday night, I joined a Slimming World class and haven’t looked back. It was a shock getting weighed, I weighed more than I was expecting – 14st 7.5lb but I had taken the first step and now I felt there was no stopping me.

I missed my first weigh in as I’m a divvy and got mixed up with the days, but I went the following week and lost 1.5lb. Not a massive loss, and I was slightly disappointed, but it’s a loss all the same.

Now, we’re 4 months on and I’ve lost……. 14.5lbs!! I’m absolutely over the moon! I feel full of optimism and drive and willpower. I really really feel this is the time I will get to the weight I should be. And the best bit of all is that it hasn’t felt like a diet at ALL. There have been times I have craved certain things, and I think I will always crave certain things, it’s the reason I need to lose weight in the first place. But this plan is so good it still lets you have a little of what you crave without banning it entirely. Perfect!

This post sounds like an advertisement for Slimming World so apologies for that, it definitely isn’t, its just had such a massive impact on my weight, my health, my motivation, my optimism…. I could go on.

If anyone’s reading this thinking ‘I can’t do that’, or ‘1 stone in 4 months that’s ages’ I understand-I was the same, but believe me, the weeks go by so quick it has hardly felt like 4 months, and already I am a stone down in what feels like the blink of an eye.

Its my 30th birthday at the end of April, so even if I carry on at this fairly low rate of loss I will still have lost 2 stone (or 28lbs, however you want to look at it), which is just awesome.

I AM GOING TO STICK WITH IT THIS TIME!

Also, I have decided I will start posting nice recipes etc on here, and thoughts on Slimming World/food/photos/experiences etc etc. Mainly for my benefit to look back at my progress and see how far I've come really, but if it helps anyone else then bonus!