Not a person, just overweight

People treat you differently when you're overweight.

Its the little things. If I wasn't so aware of peoples facial expressions and tone of voice then maybe I wouldnt notice. But I am, so I do.

This morning when I got on the bus, the driver couldnt have been less bothered, he hardly grunted a word as I asked for my ticket and gave him the money. He put my change on the counter instead of handing it to me. Maybe this was just me being paranoid I thought.

But when I got off the bus, he 'see ya mate' to the guy in front of me, and grunted 'bye' to me as I got off. It upset me a little actually, why would he treat me any differently? It has to be because I'm overweight. Which is actually quite funny because the driver himself could do with losing a few pounds.

Everytime I walk past someone in the street or catch someone looking at me, my immediate thought is that they are thinking how overweight I am, and how awful I look. I guess this shows how little self confidence I have.

I dont feel myself, I feel like being overweight is stopping me from being who I really am. Not just fashion wise - though that is a very big part of it - its my personality too, things I want to do, things I want to say, its stopping me from being a mum right now too as I dont want to be overweight and pregnant.

I am feeling quite down today (as you may have noticed). I bought a top yesterday, I'm a size 16-18 at the moment (realising that buying a size 18 because I need it not because I want it a 'little baggy' was one of the most depressing moments of my life), the only size left in this top I wanted was 14 or 20, obviously 14 is too small so I went for 20 thinking it will look fine being a little bigger. When I tried it on at home it was too tight. I nearly cried. Now this shop I'm talking about is notorious for sizes, everyone who shops there has to get a size of two above their actual size, I have size 16 clothes from there that fit fine..... but this, this was horrendous-a size 20! Me! Whether it was a sizing issue or not, the bottom line was this top was a size 20 and it didnt fit. I felt ashamed, embarrassed. I got straight into my leggings and t-shirt and onto my exercise bike.

Maybe it is the kick up the bum I needed, things have slipped in the last couple of days. I lost a few pounds on the Dukan Diet, but went away at the weekend and it was just impossible to stick to. I justify it with 'its fine I'll just go back to normal and cut down my carbs'... didnt happen. God as I'm writing all of this I'm thinking how pathetic and weak willed it all sounds.

Why cant I just DO IT?! What is wrong with me that I cant control what goes into my mouth?

I have a wedding to go to in a couple of weeks, I was really hoping to lose a little weight for then, its not looking likely now unless something drastic happens.

I think I need professional help, this cant be normal.