God and the skinny jeans..

After my last post saying I cant believe how long its been since I posted, it has again now been awhile, oops...

So I joined weight watchers, and weighed pretty much what I expected I would. I stayed for the class afterwards as well as they always say you should really. It was ok, I have to admit im not a massive fan of these type of things, I always feel a bit like I dont want to be sat here in a room full of fat people. Thats so mean isnt it, because they're just the same as me, all wanting to get slim and fell better about themselves.

Anywho, it was my birthday a few days ago and me and the other half went on a little stayover somewhere different, and of course I ate a few things I shouldnt have, well 'it was my birthday!' after all. Theres always an excuse aint there. I had a lovely two days but was a bit naughty food wise. So I didnt go to the weightwatchers class (which was the day after my birthday!!) as I didnt want to pay for someone to tell me I had put on weight, I knew I had. I got right back on it wednesday though, and have stuck to it rigidly since then. Did some exercise yesterday too.

I have said this before but there really isnt a day goes by where I dont think about my weight. I went to a clothes shop yesterday to see if there was anything I could spend my birthday money on, and the usual 'looks good on the shelf.. but not on me' situation happened. I tried on a dress and looked like a bag of spuds. Its amusing writing it down now but at the time its so depressing. Sometimes I close my eyes and wish with all my heart, that when I open them I will be slim and look fantastic. Its childish I know.

I used to go to church when I was younger, and I distinctly remember visiting a friends house and we were playing dress up (note I was actually about 13 at the time) she gave me her older sisters clothes as I was too big to fit in her clothes, she was very slim. I went into the bathroom and tried on the jeans and couldnt get them past my thighs, I nearly cried. I closed my eyes and PLEADED with God to let the jeans fit, please please please let these fit when I open my eyes. I promised him all sorts and prayed and prayed. But the jeans still didnt fit. When I think back about it now, I genuinely thought this was a reasonable thing to do! If only it was so easy.

When most people start a diet, they think 'I want to get slim, so im going to start watching what I eat and do this until I am slim' its easy, its logical. When I start a diet its usually begrudgingly, I think urgh ive got this awful thing to do, this chore, and why shouldnt I be allowed to eat what I want, if I feel like a pizza I should just be allowed a pizza. Its really pathetic isnt it. I need to change my attitude, im doing this for me, to make me feel better and to make me healthier. And if I cheat im only cheating myself, no-one else.

Biting the bullet

I cant believe its been nearly a week since I last posted. I do have a good excuse for this however as I have been ill for the last 6 days and off work for 3 of those days, so have been resting up in bed for most of it. Unfortunately this has not made me lose any weight, mores the pity. When I had a flu a couple of years back I lost 7 lbs in 3 days, it was almost worth being ill for! I was so chuffed when I weighed myself. It all soon piled back on though when I actually started eating again.

I bit the bullet and joined weight watchers last night. I just think not having any pressure each week ( i.e. getting weighed by a class leader and paying for the privilege) means I dont try as hard. Its like theres no-one to answer to so sometimes I cheat. How stupid is that, I am only cheating myself. Sometimes I think I have mental issues I really do. I talk to myself a lot, in my head of course not out loud, except when im on my own at home.
But back to the cheating thing, I have an ingrained train of though relating to food, if I know I will be home alone one night, I immediately think hmm what can I buy to eat seen as im by myself and no-one will see/know. God when I write this down it seems even more absurd. One time I bought a box of cakes, but my eyes were bigger then my belly and I couldnt eat them all in the one night I had to myself. So I had to put the rest in a plastic bag, tie it up and shove it to the bottom of the bin so the other half couldnt see. What a waste. And one time, I am ashamed to say I did something similar, and the next night when he went out I took it out of the bin and ate it. Urrggh that is so gross I cant actually believe I did it. The things we do in secret.

So I am on my second day of weight watchers and hoping its going to work out for me. I want to spend at least a couple of years of my twenties skinny. I have wasted so many years being like this and totally unhappy with my body.

Positive Thoughts

I am feeling quite positive this morning, I did well yesterday, I did have a burger for tea out with my friend, but I had a jacket potato with it instead of chips and just a diet coke. So all in all it wasnt that bad a day yesterday. Not bad, but couldve been better.
Today I am going to try and eat less, and im going to the gym later after work so that will work a few calories off.

If I had a pound for everytime I thought about my weight, jeez I would be so rich. It is on my mind constantly. Sometimes I think im not so bad, I certainly dont feel obese, and I think there are lots of people out there who are much much bigger then me. Then other times I catch sight of myself in a shop window or something and think god is that really me. When did I become so disgusting and fat. Im quite short too so its really noticeable that im overweight. I do have a boyfriend, im not totally unloveable... and he is just the best he loves me for me. But he has said he would like me to lose weight because he knows I would feel so much better about myself, and myself confidence would rocket. I know hes right.
I wish I could just do it and not faff about so much, I mean for goodness sake I choose what I put in my mouth, you'd think it was so easy. But its not. Not for me anyway. I have considered hypnotherapy, but aside from my doubts over whether it would work or not, I cant really afford it. So I am left with having to use my willpower... of which I am lacking.

Its pathetic isnt it, totally pathetic.
My sisters weight fluctuates, she puts on weight quite easily, but then she finds it really easy to lose it again. She lost quite a lot of weight recently in quite a short time, I asked her how on earth she managed it, and she said she just cut out all the crap. That was it. When she puts her mind to it she gets in the zone and just does it. I admire her for that, making a choice and sticking to it.

This post started off quite positive didnt it, and the more I talked about my attempt at weight loss the more negative it became. That sums up my struggle in a nutshell really. Positive intentions that never amount to much.

Willpower... whats that?

I guess you could call yesterday a write off. How pathetic. Like 10 minutes after I wrote my first post I took a chocolate that was offered to me. Just one chocolate I thought what harm can it do. Well a lot actually, I felt like crap as soon as I had eaten it and immediately felt like a failure. Because I am a failure.

I am thinking today I am going to try and eat as little as possible and do some exercise when I get home. Only problem is I am meeting a friend for tea, and we are a bad influence on eachother. Ok well I will eat as little as possible until I meet her, and really really try to pick something good off the menu. I can do it, for goodness sake its just a decision, a case of yes or no, this or that, am I so weak and pathetic I cant even do that. Well im overweight so yes is the answer to that question.

Today up to now I have had a bowl of cereal and two cups of tea with a sweetener in. I am going to try and drink lots of water to fill me up. Lunch is soup and a banana and hopefully nothing else until I meet up with my friend.
I am going to try and post my daily food diary up here somehow, without having to have it as a post, if I can figure out how to do it.

I have wasted so much of my adult life being overweight, my weight has fluctuated from 11 1/2 stone to 14 stone, so I have never really been at an ideal weight, or a weight I felt happy with. I feel sick and disappointed in myself when I think of the amount of times I have started a diet and not stuck with it, I could have been skinny for years now if I had stuck to just ONE diet. Its pathetic it really is. I will be in my 30's before I know it, having wasted all of my 20s being overweight and unhappy about it.

I may post later, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders when I unload on here, already it feels like that. Its almost like talking to a councillor, getting all the thoughts out of my head and written down. Maybe, whenever I feel like eating something I shouldnt, I will post on here to stop myself, reason with mself that I shouldnt do it. God I will be posting like 30 times a day at least if I do that!

Here we go... again.

Ok... here we go.... my first blog post on my first day of my (latest) diet.

This isnt my first attempt (at losing weight), not by a long way, I have struggled with my weight for a loooooong time, im 26 now so we're looking at at least 10 years. And I am the heaviest now that I have ever been.. makes you feel like giving up doesnt it.

I know what my problem is, I eat no matter what the emotion, if I'm feeling happy I eat to congratulate myself, if I'm feeling sad, I eat to console myself, if I've had a bad day I say oh go on you deserve it after the day you've had. I cant win, no matter how I feel, I never feel like not eating. And its not necessarily the amount I eat.. its WHAT I eat. Oh yes, I know what the problem is, but that doesnt seem to make dealing with it any easier.

So therein lies the struggle I face everyday. Yes I am overweight, probably obese if im being completely honest with myself, I weigh 14 stone and the maximum I should be for my height is around 9 1/2 stone, so thats at least 4 1/2 stone overweight. Its a lot. And somedays it feels like an insurmountable task.

I watched a programme on eating disorders the other day, and instead of leaving me feeling appalled at these poor girls trying to starve themselves, it made me want to be like them. It made me want to stop eating, and want to puke everything up after I had eaten it. It makes me want to exercise until I cant stand up anymore. How messed up is that. I wanted an eating disorder, as I feel this is the only way I will ever be the size I want to be.

I dont know if writing this blog is going to help with my weightloss, but it will help with my sanity, it will be a release for all the thoughts that wizz through my mind regarding my weight. There isnt a day goes by where I dont think about how overweight I am and how disgusting it is. So in its own way, maybe this will help.

Wish me luck.