Oh god. I'm not feeling on top of the world today.
I wish I was feeling more up beat and positive. But I'm not.
Ok lets start with a positive... I lost 1.5lb on Monday yay! That takes me to 21.5lb off altogether and its pretty much the best I have ever done on a weight loss plan. I am so so happy I started sw and have kept going with it. I would like to try and get to 2 stone off by my birthday but I know whenever I set targets I tend to go astray. So I'll just keep plodding and see where I get.
This week, I started calorie counting. Now I know I know, this is not part of the sw plan. But I thought I'd give it a go seen as my losses havent been great for a few weeks now. Its interesting to see how the calories add up.
Ok.. you've had the good news, here's the bad news. I'm not pregnant. Still. The witch showed her face this morining in all her glory.
Oh I had totally convinced myself this was the month. I had numerous 'symptoms', and the twinges and cramps etc, but alas it was not to be. I'm not going to go over my worries again, I've explained them numerous times now and its getting boring keep going over them in my own head never mind writing them down.
God I'm feeling so sorry for myself. Period pains and cramps are soo painful this month. I'm on the verge of tears because of this but also because I'm upset I didnt catch this month. I really do not want to be at work right now. Will someone please rescue me from this pity party...
All I want right now is to be a mum. I literally cannot think of anything else. I know putting all this pressure on myself probably isnt helping. But I feel like I'm under pressure timewise. I dont want to be an old mum.
Oh christ, just had a breakdown in the office. A colleague just asked if I was ok and I burst out crying. Went out of the office to calm down. Bless my colleague she really looked after me. Got me a drink and some paracetomol and told me to take 15 minutes out. Then came through with biscuits and 'softer tissues' bless her heart. Actually I feel a lot better now. Even though I've made a right show of myself.
Pull yourself together now girl. People have been through a lot worse.
Wednesday, 14 March 2012
Thursday, 8 March 2012
New Attitude
I'm back!
I have a new positive attitude and I'm raring to go!
I realised over the weekend I was sabotaging my own success, and I've gone right back to basics with SW and started again as if it was my first week. I know it works I just needed to get back in the right headspace as I said before.
I've got the whole weeks meals planned, lots and lots of veg (I find it easier to incorporate lots of veg into my meals than lots of fruit..), I've done one session on the exercise bike, got zumba tonight and badminton tomorrow, and weather permtting me and husband are going on a long walk over the weekend.
I've homecooked every meal so far this week (last week was really bad, out to eat 3 times and didnt have any food in or time to go shopping so subesquently didnt make the best choices) and all the meals included loads of veg. I'm drinking lots of water and limiting my snacks. I feel better already!
I didnt go to weigh in on Monday as I was off ill, waited right up until 1 hour before class to text my consultant as I really didnt want to miss a week, but I felt truly awful. In a way, it was a good thing. I knew I was probably on course for a gain which I was dreading. And this has kind of given me a fresh new start. Husband was worried I would go off the rails and stop completely like I have in the past-but I assured him I was more determined than ever and have so far proven it!
I've had some really nice meals since the weekend - vegetarian curry/ soft cheese and cherry tomato stuffed chicken with veg, parsnips and herby boiled potatoes/ chicken and butternut squash risotto/ spicey quorn sausage bake... Tonight I'm having pasta serve as I have zumba and need something quick before I go. Tomorrow I'm making a salmon and prawn pasta concoction with steamed veg. Not sure about Saturday's tea yet but Sunday will be steamed salmon with sw chips and roasted veg (ya know, something light before weigh in on Monday haha). It feels good to have the meals planned and sorted, I feel a lot more organised and I think this is going to be the key going forward.
So there you go, a post that is like the cheese to my last posts chalk.
I'm really going to try and keep the positive attitude, and in regards to ttc- when it happens it happens. I may not feel like that next week or even tomorrow, but for now I do so I'm making the most of it.
I have a new positive attitude and I'm raring to go!
I realised over the weekend I was sabotaging my own success, and I've gone right back to basics with SW and started again as if it was my first week. I know it works I just needed to get back in the right headspace as I said before.
I've got the whole weeks meals planned, lots and lots of veg (I find it easier to incorporate lots of veg into my meals than lots of fruit..), I've done one session on the exercise bike, got zumba tonight and badminton tomorrow, and weather permtting me and husband are going on a long walk over the weekend.
I've homecooked every meal so far this week (last week was really bad, out to eat 3 times and didnt have any food in or time to go shopping so subesquently didnt make the best choices) and all the meals included loads of veg. I'm drinking lots of water and limiting my snacks. I feel better already!
I didnt go to weigh in on Monday as I was off ill, waited right up until 1 hour before class to text my consultant as I really didnt want to miss a week, but I felt truly awful. In a way, it was a good thing. I knew I was probably on course for a gain which I was dreading. And this has kind of given me a fresh new start. Husband was worried I would go off the rails and stop completely like I have in the past-but I assured him I was more determined than ever and have so far proven it!
I've had some really nice meals since the weekend - vegetarian curry/ soft cheese and cherry tomato stuffed chicken with veg, parsnips and herby boiled potatoes/ chicken and butternut squash risotto/ spicey quorn sausage bake... Tonight I'm having pasta serve as I have zumba and need something quick before I go. Tomorrow I'm making a salmon and prawn pasta concoction with steamed veg. Not sure about Saturday's tea yet but Sunday will be steamed salmon with sw chips and roasted veg (ya know, something light before weigh in on Monday haha). It feels good to have the meals planned and sorted, I feel a lot more organised and I think this is going to be the key going forward.
So there you go, a post that is like the cheese to my last posts chalk.
I'm really going to try and keep the positive attitude, and in regards to ttc- when it happens it happens. I may not feel like that next week or even tomorrow, but for now I do so I'm making the most of it.
Friday, 2 March 2012
New Day
Right.
Today is a new day. No more whinging and moaning (in this post at least..).
Everythings fine with hubby, we are carrying on trying for a baby (as taking a break was mentioned when we argued).
I feel much happier today and seem to have a mindset of it happens when it happens. How long this will last is anyones guess but for today-its working.
Diet wise... eek, I think I may have to perform a miracle this weekend to even STS on Monday. But as ever, I will keep on trucking. I know it works, I have the proof of this and I know I can do it. Its about getting back into the right headspace. I'll get there.
I had a zumba class last night, and I think it proved to me that exercise does make you happy. I had such a bad day yesterday (as you may have noticed), and I didnt really want to go to class. But I went anyway and I'm so glad I did.
Apart from anything else, its an hour break from the world. I get completely engrossed in the class and the more out of breath and sweaty I get the better! Who'd have thought I would ever say something like that. The body releases endorphins when you exercise and by the end of the class I definitely had a smile on my face.
Me and husband are playing badminton later tonight. I'm hoping it will help towards weigh in on Monday though I'm not sure if its too late in the week... It will be fun anyway, even if husband does beat me everytime.
I have to try and stay positive. Sometimes the pressure of these two things starts to get a bit much. But by trying to keep a positive attitude it really helps me to cope.
Today is a new day. No more whinging and moaning (in this post at least..).
Everythings fine with hubby, we are carrying on trying for a baby (as taking a break was mentioned when we argued).
I feel much happier today and seem to have a mindset of it happens when it happens. How long this will last is anyones guess but for today-its working.
Diet wise... eek, I think I may have to perform a miracle this weekend to even STS on Monday. But as ever, I will keep on trucking. I know it works, I have the proof of this and I know I can do it. Its about getting back into the right headspace. I'll get there.
I had a zumba class last night, and I think it proved to me that exercise does make you happy. I had such a bad day yesterday (as you may have noticed), and I didnt really want to go to class. But I went anyway and I'm so glad I did.
Apart from anything else, its an hour break from the world. I get completely engrossed in the class and the more out of breath and sweaty I get the better! Who'd have thought I would ever say something like that. The body releases endorphins when you exercise and by the end of the class I definitely had a smile on my face.
Me and husband are playing badminton later tonight. I'm hoping it will help towards weigh in on Monday though I'm not sure if its too late in the week... It will be fun anyway, even if husband does beat me everytime.
I have to try and stay positive. Sometimes the pressure of these two things starts to get a bit much. But by trying to keep a positive attitude it really helps me to cope.
Thursday, 1 March 2012
Mrs Miserable
God I really am Mrs Miserable today.
I have to post again as theres nowhere else to get it out! I feel like I'm going mad.
I've stomped about like a bear with a sore head all day long. Hardly spoke a word at work and on the verge of tears pretty much all day. Whats wrong with me.
I feel so down and miserable, I'm getting sick my hearing myself say that now. I need to snap out of it before I spiral into oblivion and ruin everthing.
EDIT
Why is it that when you start ttc, all you see is babies! And everyone you know is announcing pregnancies?!...
Just today, I have found out 2 facebook friends are pregnant.
When I nipped to Sainsburys on my lunch break - my wedding day makeup artist (havent seen for 2 years) was pushing a pram with her small baby!
Then I turned down an aisle and almost walked into a heavily pregnant woman!!
Its unbelievable. It feels like god is taunting me.
My rational mind knows that 6 months isnt a long time. And that, like I have been advised, anywhere up to 2 years is normal for ttc. But when I think about it too much I get terrified that it will never happen for me. I think I put pressure on myself too because I always said I would have my first baby before I turn 30. And see as I turn 30 in two months it isnt gona happen. That was quite hard for me to come to terms with at first.
I'm really prattling on arent I. I'm sure I've said all of this stuff numerous times.
Ok, I really will stop now, you must be getting so fed up of my negative attitude.
Hopefully it will have disappeared by tomorrow.
I have to post again as theres nowhere else to get it out! I feel like I'm going mad.
I've stomped about like a bear with a sore head all day long. Hardly spoke a word at work and on the verge of tears pretty much all day. Whats wrong with me.
I feel so down and miserable, I'm getting sick my hearing myself say that now. I need to snap out of it before I spiral into oblivion and ruin everthing.
EDIT
Why is it that when you start ttc, all you see is babies! And everyone you know is announcing pregnancies?!...
Just today, I have found out 2 facebook friends are pregnant.
When I nipped to Sainsburys on my lunch break - my wedding day makeup artist (havent seen for 2 years) was pushing a pram with her small baby!
Then I turned down an aisle and almost walked into a heavily pregnant woman!!
Its unbelievable. It feels like god is taunting me.
My rational mind knows that 6 months isnt a long time. And that, like I have been advised, anywhere up to 2 years is normal for ttc. But when I think about it too much I get terrified that it will never happen for me. I think I put pressure on myself too because I always said I would have my first baby before I turn 30. And see as I turn 30 in two months it isnt gona happen. That was quite hard for me to come to terms with at first.
I'm really prattling on arent I. I'm sure I've said all of this stuff numerous times.
Ok, I really will stop now, you must be getting so fed up of my negative attitude.
Hopefully it will have disappeared by tomorrow.
On a Downer
I apologise upfront for this post.. its gona be a real downer so look away now if you want.
I am feeling really fed up and sad today. Really really fed up and down.
I feel like my diet is going tits up and its all my fault for not sticking to it properly. I cant seem to snap out of this rut and feel like I'm wasting my money every week. Last week I STS, week before I lost 1.5lb, week before that I STS. Its feels like ground hog day - small loss-sts-small loss-sts. I know its my fault, I'm slipping into old habits then trying to rectify it before weigh in day by not eating very much or just having soup or something. This is what I used to do when I got desperate to lose. I feel stressed about it and I'm starting to dread every weigh in now. I feel like I've done so well so far, and I know I can go all the way. But theres a wall in front of me and right now its 200ft high and smooth as marble. And I cant get my head around how to scale it.
Also.. and this is the only place I feel I can talk about it (with it being semi anonymous), trying for a baby is starting to fall apart.
Every month is like a rollercoaster, excitement of trying and then symptom spotting, then waiting to test then getting a negative. Its so utterley disappointing every month and I dont think I can take much more. I know it sounds abit dramatic as we've only been trying 6 months, but I never thought it would take so long and the longer it goes on the more I have a sinking feeling that something is physically wrong with me or my husband.
I see all these people on facebook etc posting about being pregnant, and I am happy for them, but at the same time I'm insanely jealous. I dont want to feel like this. I dont want to turn into an obsessive monster about it I really dont.
I keep thinking why not me, why isnt it my turn, when will it be my turn, whats wrong with me.
Me and husband fell out big time last night. He is very very private and didnt want me telling any family or close friends (or anyone at all) about the fact that we have started trying. I was annoyed but kept to it for months..until last night. I met with a friend for tea and we started talking about babies (we're both at an age where this gets talked about a lot) and it just slipped out. She is soo happy for us.
When I got home I slipped up in conversation and let slip I had told her. Hubby went mad. Says he cant trust me and is so disappointed. I reacted quite badly to that as I feel as though I have been keeping everything inside and cant really discuss how I'm feeling with anyone. I said I already feel stressed, upset etc and now guilty on top of that.
I feel like giving up. I feel like its never gona happen so why bother. I feel so pathetic for feeling so upset and talking about giving up already..
So there, I did warn you. I guess the two issues are inevitably related. Whats a girl to do, seriously tell me. I have no clue and no-one to turn to.
I am feeling really fed up and sad today. Really really fed up and down.
I feel like my diet is going tits up and its all my fault for not sticking to it properly. I cant seem to snap out of this rut and feel like I'm wasting my money every week. Last week I STS, week before I lost 1.5lb, week before that I STS. Its feels like ground hog day - small loss-sts-small loss-sts. I know its my fault, I'm slipping into old habits then trying to rectify it before weigh in day by not eating very much or just having soup or something. This is what I used to do when I got desperate to lose. I feel stressed about it and I'm starting to dread every weigh in now. I feel like I've done so well so far, and I know I can go all the way. But theres a wall in front of me and right now its 200ft high and smooth as marble. And I cant get my head around how to scale it.
Also.. and this is the only place I feel I can talk about it (with it being semi anonymous), trying for a baby is starting to fall apart.
Every month is like a rollercoaster, excitement of trying and then symptom spotting, then waiting to test then getting a negative. Its so utterley disappointing every month and I dont think I can take much more. I know it sounds abit dramatic as we've only been trying 6 months, but I never thought it would take so long and the longer it goes on the more I have a sinking feeling that something is physically wrong with me or my husband.
I see all these people on facebook etc posting about being pregnant, and I am happy for them, but at the same time I'm insanely jealous. I dont want to feel like this. I dont want to turn into an obsessive monster about it I really dont.
I keep thinking why not me, why isnt it my turn, when will it be my turn, whats wrong with me.
Me and husband fell out big time last night. He is very very private and didnt want me telling any family or close friends (or anyone at all) about the fact that we have started trying. I was annoyed but kept to it for months..until last night. I met with a friend for tea and we started talking about babies (we're both at an age where this gets talked about a lot) and it just slipped out. She is soo happy for us.
When I got home I slipped up in conversation and let slip I had told her. Hubby went mad. Says he cant trust me and is so disappointed. I reacted quite badly to that as I feel as though I have been keeping everything inside and cant really discuss how I'm feeling with anyone. I said I already feel stressed, upset etc and now guilty on top of that.
I feel like giving up. I feel like its never gona happen so why bother. I feel so pathetic for feeling so upset and talking about giving up already..
So there, I did warn you. I guess the two issues are inevitably related. Whats a girl to do, seriously tell me. I have no clue and no-one to turn to.
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