Downer

Wow I really hate myself today. I mean like really hate myself. With a passion.
I am a fat ugly blobby mess with no willpower who is failing miserably at losing weight.
I am feeling desperate and getting ever more anxious about this situation. Even looking up detox's and more radical stuff on the internet to see what I can do.
Am seriously thinking about staring myself, and doing loads and loads of exercise for as long as I can stand it. I need to do something drastic or I will be stuck in this rut forever. I feel like crying, I feel like screaming, actually right now I feel like throwing myself off a bridge just so I dont have to face it all.
I am so sick of living my life this way. Non-stop guilt and self loathing everyday. I actually feel a bit worthless. I know people look at me in the street and all they are thinking is what a fat bitch. And why not, its true.

Stuck in a rut

Things are getting desperate.

I havent lost any weight in the last month or so despite still doing the same things I was doing in the previous months. I dont know why my body is refusing to give up anymore weight I really dont.

I have even been researching on pro ana websites for tips and tricks. I feel a bit guilty for doing it, dont know why. I guess its because I'm so obviously not anorexic but everyone starts sonmewhere?! I'm kidding, that is in bad taste. TASTE! It all reverts back to food in the end.

Uurrghhh, I am actually panicking and its making me feel anxious. I think the next few weeks I am going to really have to crank it up a bit, go to the gym at least 4 times a week and go on my exercise bike every other day. I have to do some form of exercise everyday. I do walk for about 30 minutes altogether everyday to the bus stop, but thats really the minimum you have to do before your body starts to fat burn.
Also I really need to sort my food out. I have been on slim fast for the last few months, one for breakfast one for lunch and a low fat tea. But if I am really honest with myself my tea hasnt changed at all, I am still having what I would of had before. I need to start having soup or cereal or something small for tea.
It sounds so easy when you write it down, but the reality is I LOVE my food. Obviously I do or I wouldnt be in this situation. I am so hungry by the time I get home its like my brain takes over my body and I just eat normally even though I know I shouldnt be. GOD its so hard. I am so so so so so sick of living this life.

I need to do something drastic.

Hunger pangs anyone?

Is a diet really a diet without hunger pangs? I dont feel like I'm really pushing (punishing) myself unless I'm getting hunger pangs. Whilst most endure them as an unpleasant side effect of dieting, I myself relish them. It feels like I am actually doing something right if I'm feeling hungry and my stomach is growling at me. They are rather unfortunate when its quiet in the office, or you're in a meeting. I might try to cover them up with a little cough or throat clear but by that point its too late, everyones heard the growl already.

Anywho I'm getting a little side tracked here. What exactly are hunger pangs, I mean physically what are they. Is it your stomach telling you it needs food? Or is it your stomach trying to process food and making a noise because theres nothing there to process? Well whatever they are I've been getting a lot of them lately. They usually come around the same time I start to feel a little light headed and nauseous and I admit, a little sick. I havent been eating enough the last few days, I know I havent and I'm not naive enough to think this is ok because its not. I just cant see any other way, aside from cutting off a limb, to lose weight. My body is resisting and holding onto this extra chunk for all its worth! When I first went on slim fast I lost weight quite quickly, now its slowed right down. I have bought an exercise bike and upped the amount I exercise and hopefully this will speed things up again.

How do celebs lose weight so easily? Everytime I buy a magazine its all 'x loses a stone in a month' etc etc. HOW?? Is there a hollywood secret they're not letting us in on? Did I miss the memo? I dont want to be a size 0 or anything, or even really skinny, just slim! Just normal.

Will I ever get slim if my brain won't let me?

Willpower, its all in the mind.
Grrr and I have precisely none of this, NONE! Its pathetic.
I am struggling with my own mind the last few days. This morning I had some hunger pangs and straightaway thought 'oh I'm going to get something nice off the food van (that visits my work in the morning) sod it I'm hungry'. For gods sake I'm ON A DIET!! When will my brain realise this. I cant just go to the van and get crisps and chocolate because I'm hungry and I feel like it, this is not really allowed when you're on a diet, its kind of the whole point. But its like because I'm hungry my brain makes it ok. Occasions like this make me wonder if I need some kind of therapy or treatment for my food habits. Am I ever going to get slim if my brain wont let me?!
Its a real battle somedays. I literally swing from wanting to eat everything and saying sod it I'm just going to do it, to 20 minutes later resolving to stick to my diet religiously and feeling guilty because I even dared to think I would slip up. Gods sake, its mental turmoil this dieting business.

On another note completely, I hate photos being taken without my knowledge. Why's that I hear you ask... well, because I havent been able to lift my head up a bit (to make the double chin disppear), or give the camera my best angle (this ones a struggle), or fluff my hair, or check my makeup. The list goes on. I've been caught unawares. This little note stems from a picture that was in a company newsletter without my realising I was even being photographed. I look FAT! My cheeks look like a hamster storing nuts, I have a double chin going on and I'm pulling a ridiculous face that only enhances all of these bad points. Urgh, is this what I look like to everyone else? Somestimes I look in the mirror and what I see aint all that bad. Sometimes I may even dare to say I look pretty. But when I see photos like this, me as I am not posing not primping, I wonder if I'm in denial. I know not everyone looks perfect on every photo, but I hate to think people will see this thinking this is what I always look like.

Ok, so hunger pangs have passed, I'm drinking a cup of tea (with sweetener not sugar). I can do this. One day at a time.

I'll start on Monday

The start of a new week... full of good intentions and enthusiasm.
Slim fast for breakfast, lots of cups of tea and glasses of water. Slim fast for lunch and more cups of tea and water and then gym after work. Thats the plan anyway. I already think I'm going to fail... how can I ever succeed when even before I start I think I will fail. I REALLY want to do it, I do. But it hasnt happened for me so many times. Ok this is getting a bit negative now.

I have said this before, but I spend so much time thinking about losing weight, what I'm eating, beating myself up for eating something I shouldnt have, sooo much time its ridiculous. It would be so amazing to pick whatever I want off the resturant menu and not think ooh should I really be eating that, is there a better option. Just to pick something I actually want. Guilt. My everyday life is full of it. Guilt, all day long. Its an excuse I know, but being on the large side is common in my family. My grandma, mum, sister have all been big (my sister is really good at losing weight though and is quite slim at the moment), as well as other family members. I dont want to be like that though, and I certainly dont want my kids to be like that. I suppose when I get slim, I will have to work really hard at it for the rest of my life. I can handle that, if it meant I was slim. I'd do anything.

Plodding Along

God I am useless at keeping up with this blog.
I will write a post and promise myself I will write again tomorrow... next thing I know 3 months have passed. Ok but I'm here now, right!

I'm still on the slim fast but the weight loss has slowed down dramatically, since I last posted I have lost another 11lbs. Which when you think its been 3 months is actually pretty poor. I think my body is 'plateuing' (no idea if thats the right spelling but you get my drift) i.e. its getting used to only having liquid for breakfast and lunch, and therefore it isnt having as much of an effect. If this is the case, aside from starving myself, I have no idea what else to do! I have been going to the gym 2-3 times a week to so I am just at a bit of a loss right now.
It totally makes me feel like well why the hell am I even trying if I go to all this hassle to lose a few measly pounds every few weeks.

I've started taking appetite suppresants as well.... yes I know I know diet pills are bad for you etc, but these arent strictly diet pills, they're appetite suppresants. You dont take them instead of food, just once in the morning and once in the afternoon in between meals. And it seems to be working.... When I used to get home I would be ravenous, but just lately I havent been as hungry and my stomach hasnt been growling as much. This may well be psychological, but even if it is its still working! Hey you know you love my logic :) So i'll keep taking em and see what happens.

I wonder if when I get slim, I can get used to it. I mean I have been overweight for so long now, I just cant imagine ever being slim and happy with my body. I often wonder what it must feel like to look in the mirror and be happy with what you see! To try on clothes and know they look good, rather then they just cover up the lumps and bumps. To go into a shop and know they will have your size. To eat a chocolate bar or chips in the street and not be self conscious people are looking at you thinking 'fat pig no wonder she's overweight'.
I was once eating quality street's as I was walking for the bus, had about 5 in my pocket and was just happily munching away. I went to cross a road and a car drove past, the passenger stuck their head out of the window and shouted 'FAT BITCH!'. I was about 15 at the time. I was so mortified I could have cried right there and then. But I didnt, I saved it for when I got home. I put the rest of the sweets in the nearest bin. People are so cruel arent they.

Life is just one long diet isnt it. Well it is in my life.

Motivation is the key

When they were handing out motivation and will power I was definitely at the back of the queue. I couldnt say no to a chocolate biscuit if my life depended on it! Well, maybe if my life depended on it but you get the idea. I come to work thinking no naughty foods today, someone offers me a biscuit and i'm straight in there - no arm twisting needed!

Ok so back to my slim fast diet. Its actually going quite well i've even surprised myself! One for breakfast, one for lunch and then tea. God i'm hungry by the time I get home. Especially as I have been going to the gym straight after work lately. I could literally eat a horse so its very hard not to go crazy and just eat anything and everything. But I am sticking to it. Its amazing!
Altogether I have lost.. well now this depends on from when we are counting. When I first bought my scales I was 202lbs. When I first started slim fast I was 200lbs (hey 2lbs gone without even trying how did that happen!) Ok we'll go from when I started slim fast, I have lost 9lbs!! It has taken me 4 weeks which I dont think is too bad going really. And I wasnt exercising at first (phew have I made up for that in the last 2 weeks).
So I am really sticking to it this time. And its funny because I could have actually been slightly stricter (i.e. pizza and ben & jerrys at the weekend is just a bit naughty :s) but I have still lost!

I think about food all the time though... I may have mentioned that once or twice haha. And I have noticed that I crave BAD stuff straight after the gym. It doesnt help that we drive past McDonalds on the way home! Which is why its extra hard to not just stuff my face when I get home.

I think from this I have realised that seeing results is the motivator... which is like a catch 22 really, as you need the motivation to get going in the first place and stick with it before you can see the results.. which spur you on to be motivated! Hopefully I will now get stuck in the delightful circle which is weight loss-motivation-weight loss-motivation, instead of the vicious circle which was weight gain-depression-eating-weight gain-depression-eating.

Yay for me!!

Water water and more water

I seriously dont know how you are meant to drink 8 glasses of water a day. Even in the summer I think I would struggle with this.

Im sat at work, with a glass of water on my desk and I do try and drink as much as I can, but it does make me feel slightly bloated, and I'm constantly going to the loo! Most of the time I am not thirsty at all but I'm drinking it because I'm meant to.

And also because I'm trying to fill my belly up due to only drinking slim fast for breakfast and lunch. Which is soooo hard. I'm doing ok though, lost 6lbs already and havent really done any exercise. Really need to get into the exercise as it will speed my weight loss right up I know it.
It is quite hard to get motivated though - oh here we go that old chestnut again! But it is! After spending all day at work, you get home have tea and it is hard to make the effort. I guess it depends on how much you really want it.

I spoke to the doctor about my weight last time I was there, she told me she could prescribe me Alli if I wanted, and then went on to explain all of the different side effects it can cause such as 'leakage' (eww) which really put me off. And anyway its not like it does the hard work for you, it just makes you eat less fat (or else it all comes out the other end in pure form yuck). Anyways, slim fast seems to be working at the moment so I will stick with this for a while. I know its not a long term solution and have read all the 'cons' on the internet but hey ho, if it helps me lose a couple of stone I'll be happy with that.

More updates soon...

Desperation

Well... weight watchers bit the dust about 2 weeks after my last post (which again was ages ago im ashamed to say). I knew I had put on weight after my birthday, I only have to look at a piece of cake and I've put on 2lbs. So I didnt bother going the day after. However I did go the week after that, after being SO strict and exercising loads I put on 1/2 lb. So disappointed. It just makes you think (well makes me think) what is the point if I put all this effort in and nothing happens.
And I noticed something the last time I was there. I think most of the people that go to weight watchers are trapped in the cycle of it. Just the same as me I might add, which is why I'm qualified to make this observation. They start on the plan all guns blazing, and for the first few weeks may have some good success. Then one day of one week they go wrong and think oh its ruined now theres no point me going to the next weight in. So they miss it, then they miss one more, and one more. Then after they have put on half a stone more they think I must get back to weight watchers and the cycle starts again. Sad isnt it. I know some people have had good success long term, but its the minority of that I'm sure.

Soooooo, to explain the title of this post, I have started on slim fast. Yes I know quick fixes dont work and all that. But I'm desperate, DESPERATE to give my diet a kick start, a big boot up the bum. Even if I just do it for a few months, say 3, and lose a stone or two I would be chuffed with that. But GOD its hard. My stomach rumbles constantly, I have felt light headed and yesterday my body felt all, like, shaky. I know these arent good things but sod it I'm gonna keep going with it until I see some results. Cos I am SICK and TIRED of carrying around this extra weight. I'm going to the gym later and hoping that speeds things up a bit. We'll see.

I will post my weight loss here weekly and hope I start to see it go down rapidly. Wish me luck... once again.

God and the skinny jeans..

After my last post saying I cant believe how long its been since I posted, it has again now been awhile, oops...

So I joined weight watchers, and weighed pretty much what I expected I would. I stayed for the class afterwards as well as they always say you should really. It was ok, I have to admit im not a massive fan of these type of things, I always feel a bit like I dont want to be sat here in a room full of fat people. Thats so mean isnt it, because they're just the same as me, all wanting to get slim and fell better about themselves.

Anywho, it was my birthday a few days ago and me and the other half went on a little stayover somewhere different, and of course I ate a few things I shouldnt have, well 'it was my birthday!' after all. Theres always an excuse aint there. I had a lovely two days but was a bit naughty food wise. So I didnt go to the weightwatchers class (which was the day after my birthday!!) as I didnt want to pay for someone to tell me I had put on weight, I knew I had. I got right back on it wednesday though, and have stuck to it rigidly since then. Did some exercise yesterday too.

I have said this before but there really isnt a day goes by where I dont think about my weight. I went to a clothes shop yesterday to see if there was anything I could spend my birthday money on, and the usual 'looks good on the shelf.. but not on me' situation happened. I tried on a dress and looked like a bag of spuds. Its amusing writing it down now but at the time its so depressing. Sometimes I close my eyes and wish with all my heart, that when I open them I will be slim and look fantastic. Its childish I know.

I used to go to church when I was younger, and I distinctly remember visiting a friends house and we were playing dress up (note I was actually about 13 at the time) she gave me her older sisters clothes as I was too big to fit in her clothes, she was very slim. I went into the bathroom and tried on the jeans and couldnt get them past my thighs, I nearly cried. I closed my eyes and PLEADED with God to let the jeans fit, please please please let these fit when I open my eyes. I promised him all sorts and prayed and prayed. But the jeans still didnt fit. When I think back about it now, I genuinely thought this was a reasonable thing to do! If only it was so easy.

When most people start a diet, they think 'I want to get slim, so im going to start watching what I eat and do this until I am slim' its easy, its logical. When I start a diet its usually begrudgingly, I think urgh ive got this awful thing to do, this chore, and why shouldnt I be allowed to eat what I want, if I feel like a pizza I should just be allowed a pizza. Its really pathetic isnt it. I need to change my attitude, im doing this for me, to make me feel better and to make me healthier. And if I cheat im only cheating myself, no-one else.

Biting the bullet

I cant believe its been nearly a week since I last posted. I do have a good excuse for this however as I have been ill for the last 6 days and off work for 3 of those days, so have been resting up in bed for most of it. Unfortunately this has not made me lose any weight, mores the pity. When I had a flu a couple of years back I lost 7 lbs in 3 days, it was almost worth being ill for! I was so chuffed when I weighed myself. It all soon piled back on though when I actually started eating again.

I bit the bullet and joined weight watchers last night. I just think not having any pressure each week ( i.e. getting weighed by a class leader and paying for the privilege) means I dont try as hard. Its like theres no-one to answer to so sometimes I cheat. How stupid is that, I am only cheating myself. Sometimes I think I have mental issues I really do. I talk to myself a lot, in my head of course not out loud, except when im on my own at home.
But back to the cheating thing, I have an ingrained train of though relating to food, if I know I will be home alone one night, I immediately think hmm what can I buy to eat seen as im by myself and no-one will see/know. God when I write this down it seems even more absurd. One time I bought a box of cakes, but my eyes were bigger then my belly and I couldnt eat them all in the one night I had to myself. So I had to put the rest in a plastic bag, tie it up and shove it to the bottom of the bin so the other half couldnt see. What a waste. And one time, I am ashamed to say I did something similar, and the next night when he went out I took it out of the bin and ate it. Urrggh that is so gross I cant actually believe I did it. The things we do in secret.

So I am on my second day of weight watchers and hoping its going to work out for me. I want to spend at least a couple of years of my twenties skinny. I have wasted so many years being like this and totally unhappy with my body.

Positive Thoughts

I am feeling quite positive this morning, I did well yesterday, I did have a burger for tea out with my friend, but I had a jacket potato with it instead of chips and just a diet coke. So all in all it wasnt that bad a day yesterday. Not bad, but couldve been better.
Today I am going to try and eat less, and im going to the gym later after work so that will work a few calories off.

If I had a pound for everytime I thought about my weight, jeez I would be so rich. It is on my mind constantly. Sometimes I think im not so bad, I certainly dont feel obese, and I think there are lots of people out there who are much much bigger then me. Then other times I catch sight of myself in a shop window or something and think god is that really me. When did I become so disgusting and fat. Im quite short too so its really noticeable that im overweight. I do have a boyfriend, im not totally unloveable... and he is just the best he loves me for me. But he has said he would like me to lose weight because he knows I would feel so much better about myself, and myself confidence would rocket. I know hes right.
I wish I could just do it and not faff about so much, I mean for goodness sake I choose what I put in my mouth, you'd think it was so easy. But its not. Not for me anyway. I have considered hypnotherapy, but aside from my doubts over whether it would work or not, I cant really afford it. So I am left with having to use my willpower... of which I am lacking.

Its pathetic isnt it, totally pathetic.
My sisters weight fluctuates, she puts on weight quite easily, but then she finds it really easy to lose it again. She lost quite a lot of weight recently in quite a short time, I asked her how on earth she managed it, and she said she just cut out all the crap. That was it. When she puts her mind to it she gets in the zone and just does it. I admire her for that, making a choice and sticking to it.

This post started off quite positive didnt it, and the more I talked about my attempt at weight loss the more negative it became. That sums up my struggle in a nutshell really. Positive intentions that never amount to much.

Willpower... whats that?

I guess you could call yesterday a write off. How pathetic. Like 10 minutes after I wrote my first post I took a chocolate that was offered to me. Just one chocolate I thought what harm can it do. Well a lot actually, I felt like crap as soon as I had eaten it and immediately felt like a failure. Because I am a failure.

I am thinking today I am going to try and eat as little as possible and do some exercise when I get home. Only problem is I am meeting a friend for tea, and we are a bad influence on eachother. Ok well I will eat as little as possible until I meet her, and really really try to pick something good off the menu. I can do it, for goodness sake its just a decision, a case of yes or no, this or that, am I so weak and pathetic I cant even do that. Well im overweight so yes is the answer to that question.

Today up to now I have had a bowl of cereal and two cups of tea with a sweetener in. I am going to try and drink lots of water to fill me up. Lunch is soup and a banana and hopefully nothing else until I meet up with my friend.
I am going to try and post my daily food diary up here somehow, without having to have it as a post, if I can figure out how to do it.

I have wasted so much of my adult life being overweight, my weight has fluctuated from 11 1/2 stone to 14 stone, so I have never really been at an ideal weight, or a weight I felt happy with. I feel sick and disappointed in myself when I think of the amount of times I have started a diet and not stuck with it, I could have been skinny for years now if I had stuck to just ONE diet. Its pathetic it really is. I will be in my 30's before I know it, having wasted all of my 20s being overweight and unhappy about it.

I may post later, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders when I unload on here, already it feels like that. Its almost like talking to a councillor, getting all the thoughts out of my head and written down. Maybe, whenever I feel like eating something I shouldnt, I will post on here to stop myself, reason with mself that I shouldnt do it. God I will be posting like 30 times a day at least if I do that!

Here we go... again.

Ok... here we go.... my first blog post on my first day of my (latest) diet.

This isnt my first attempt (at losing weight), not by a long way, I have struggled with my weight for a loooooong time, im 26 now so we're looking at at least 10 years. And I am the heaviest now that I have ever been.. makes you feel like giving up doesnt it.

I know what my problem is, I eat no matter what the emotion, if I'm feeling happy I eat to congratulate myself, if I'm feeling sad, I eat to console myself, if I've had a bad day I say oh go on you deserve it after the day you've had. I cant win, no matter how I feel, I never feel like not eating. And its not necessarily the amount I eat.. its WHAT I eat. Oh yes, I know what the problem is, but that doesnt seem to make dealing with it any easier.

So therein lies the struggle I face everyday. Yes I am overweight, probably obese if im being completely honest with myself, I weigh 14 stone and the maximum I should be for my height is around 9 1/2 stone, so thats at least 4 1/2 stone overweight. Its a lot. And somedays it feels like an insurmountable task.

I watched a programme on eating disorders the other day, and instead of leaving me feeling appalled at these poor girls trying to starve themselves, it made me want to be like them. It made me want to stop eating, and want to puke everything up after I had eaten it. It makes me want to exercise until I cant stand up anymore. How messed up is that. I wanted an eating disorder, as I feel this is the only way I will ever be the size I want to be.

I dont know if writing this blog is going to help with my weightloss, but it will help with my sanity, it will be a release for all the thoughts that wizz through my mind regarding my weight. There isnt a day goes by where I dont think about how overweight I am and how disgusting it is. So in its own way, maybe this will help.

Wish me luck.