I have completely lost the plot diet wise.
The last few of months have been one long round of losing and gaining. Its ridiculous.
I cant seem to get back in the swing of it, I try for a couple of days but then I always do something to completely cock it up.
When I started SW I was totally in the zone and I lost consistently. In the first 4 months I never gained once. Then over christmas I sts for 2 weeks (which I was very happy with), but since then I just cant get back in the zone.
Theres quite a lot going on at the moment (as you may have seen from my last post) and this could make me go one of two ways. I could either completely lose it and regain all the weight I have lost, which in the past would definitely have been the outcome. Or I can give my head a shake, and put everything I can into trying to get to get down to a BMI of 30 - maximum allowed for IVF. The second option should be a no brainer, but I CANT DO IT!
Someone please give me a massive kick up the bum. I want a baby more than anything else in the world right now. I cant think of anything else. So WHY do I keep eating stuff I shouldnt be??!
If I think about it, I guess its old habits kicking in. I have had a lifetime of turning to food in difficult situations, for comfort. This situation is worse than any I have faced so I guess my first instinct would be to comfort with food. I thought I was overcoming this but apparently not.
I think part of it is burying my head in the sand too. Its almost like if I dont think about it, it isnt happening. Food is a distraction, and it makes me feel happy - covering up my feelings of sadness.
Come one. I can do this. I HAVE to do this.
Maybe I should go back to the start, pretend like I'm just starting SW for the first time. Look at all my books all the time, write everything down etc.
Phew I feel like I have just had a therapy session with myself!
Theres such a long journey ahead for me and the husband. If I think about it too much its overwhelming and I almost cant face it. All the waiting, sadness, heartache, getting your hopes up.
We've only told a couple of people up to now. But I feel like I want to tell everyone I meet, so they can understand why I have down days. Why we havent had kids yet. Why I'm angry about everything.
Its really made me think about a lot of things. You just dont know what is going on in a persons life. If someone is offhand with you for seemingly no reason, or is unusually quiet. Or even if they havent had kids yet and you're wondering why - there really could be so many reasons.
Also, its made me have even more respect and love for my grandparents. The reason for this is that they tried for 10 years to have children - this was in the late 40's early 50's so there wasnt really any 'fertility treatment' available for them. They just tried and tried and never gave up. After 10 long years they fell pregnant with my mum, then 4 years later with my Uncle. THEY NEVER GAVE UP.
My mum says when my grandad found out my grandma was pregnant he ran down the street shouting it out loud and clicking his heels. This image really makes me heart swell, when I think of all the heartache and longing they must have experience over those 10 years his heart must have just been bursting with joy!
I like to think they are looking after my baby in heaven until its ready to join us. I'm not a very religious person but this thought really comforts me.
Monday, 18 June 2012
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
Tidal Wave of Sadness
WARNING - this post contains a lot of sadness, self indulgence and not a lot of slimming world.
I apologies but I need to get it all of my chest.
The last couple of weeks have been an exercise in self restraint.
Trying like mad to keep my head above a tidal wave of sadness.
I try to push the thoughts to the back of my mind because if I let them win I may never be the same again. If I think about it too much my heart almost explodes with sadness.
It’s worse at night, when I’m trying to get to sleep but the thoughts won’t let me.
We have been trying for a baby for nearly a year now. I knew in my heart a couple f months ago that something wasn’t right. I presumed it would be a problem with me, it wasn’t.
I went to the doctors to talk to her about it, and also to ask whether or not my erratic and short periods were hampering our efforts. She booked me in for blood tests and also said my husband should have a sperm test done just to be on the safe side.
Well, my results came back normal, and husbands came back with sad news, 0 sperm count.
When he first told me, the gravity of it didn’t really hit me. Then it all came crashing down and I cried, oh how I cried. I cried all afternoon non-stop. I was at work so had to go home.
I was sad for us obviously, but most of all I was sad for him. He may never have his own biological child. He may never know what his child would look like, would they have his eyes, his nose. He may never be a father, not a real one anyway, not a biological one.
He has had another test and we are waiting on the results, but to have 0 sperm in the first one?! Thats not a one off, we’re not expecting any new results from this second test but they have to do 2 to make sure.
After the initial shock wore off, I got into positive mode. Right, all is not lost. You may be producing sperm but it just can’t get out. That’s a real possibility, I’ve done a lot of research and reading since this happened and if they are in there struggling to get out then all is not lost. There are procedures they can do to get them out and injected into my eggs.
Husband and I managed to put a smile on and look at the positives. We talked about what our options may be and what we would do if he couldn’t have his own child. We could have a sperm donor so that we could have a child that was at least mine. He would struggle with this and told me as much. But we reasoned if it was the other way round, I would rather we had a child that was only his than neither of ours. He agreed. We talked about adoption, there are hundreds of children out there with no-one to care for them. This, I’ll be honest, would be a last resort. I hate to sound so cold about a human life but I myself would struggle to take on another persons child, knowing they had no blood relation to me. Knowing when they got to 18 they would probably want to find their real parents to find out who they are. Knowing that I would have brought them up as my own and yet they would long to know their real parents. Its tough, I admire anyone who adopts a child.
So where does this leave us.
Well, we are waiting for the results of husbands second sperm test. 99% knowing what the results will be but praying for a miracle.
We have an appointment at the fertility clinic in a few weeks. I’m very nervous about this. I have no idea what will happen in this appointment, what they will ask. What our options will be. I know they are going to bring up the issue of my weight. I have lost 21lbs up to now, but I need t lose a lot more. In fact 18lbs more just to get to bmi of 30 (max they will allow for IVF and other procedures).
I really need to get my head focused. I know that even if we are approved for one of these procedures (if we need it) we will be on a waiting list so I have some time to get there, but I need to get to this weight as a minimum before it can all begin and its so daunting. I’m so glad I started when I did or I would have a whole 39lbs to lose now!!
One of the hardest things about all of this is other peoples babies. I never thought I would be that woman, longing for a baby and looking at all the mothers with their newborns wishing it was me. When a baby advert comes on tv my heart drops. One of husbands work colleagues brought in a scan picture yesterday can you believe it!! The timing is incredible. She wasn’t trying and it’s a surprise. I can’t lie, that makes me feel sick. But I said to him we have to be happy for her, if she’s happy. We cant put a downer on other peoples good news.
I started thinking what if our friends start getting pregnant, I won’t be happy for them. I will be the miserable cow who cant be happy for her friends.
Oh theres so much to think about and get worked up over. I know I should try and relax and wait until we’ve had our first appointment. But obviously that’s impossible.
The true weight of all this is teetering on a scale, a slight breeze could tip it over and come crashing down on me. At the moment every time I start to think about it I try and think about something else. I feel angry a lot and I’m scared that this is all going to affect irreversibly.
I apologies but I need to get it all of my chest.
The last couple of weeks have been an exercise in self restraint.
Trying like mad to keep my head above a tidal wave of sadness.
I try to push the thoughts to the back of my mind because if I let them win I may never be the same again. If I think about it too much my heart almost explodes with sadness.
It’s worse at night, when I’m trying to get to sleep but the thoughts won’t let me.
We have been trying for a baby for nearly a year now. I knew in my heart a couple f months ago that something wasn’t right. I presumed it would be a problem with me, it wasn’t.
I went to the doctors to talk to her about it, and also to ask whether or not my erratic and short periods were hampering our efforts. She booked me in for blood tests and also said my husband should have a sperm test done just to be on the safe side.
Well, my results came back normal, and husbands came back with sad news, 0 sperm count.
When he first told me, the gravity of it didn’t really hit me. Then it all came crashing down and I cried, oh how I cried. I cried all afternoon non-stop. I was at work so had to go home.
I was sad for us obviously, but most of all I was sad for him. He may never have his own biological child. He may never know what his child would look like, would they have his eyes, his nose. He may never be a father, not a real one anyway, not a biological one.
He has had another test and we are waiting on the results, but to have 0 sperm in the first one?! Thats not a one off, we’re not expecting any new results from this second test but they have to do 2 to make sure.
After the initial shock wore off, I got into positive mode. Right, all is not lost. You may be producing sperm but it just can’t get out. That’s a real possibility, I’ve done a lot of research and reading since this happened and if they are in there struggling to get out then all is not lost. There are procedures they can do to get them out and injected into my eggs.
Husband and I managed to put a smile on and look at the positives. We talked about what our options may be and what we would do if he couldn’t have his own child. We could have a sperm donor so that we could have a child that was at least mine. He would struggle with this and told me as much. But we reasoned if it was the other way round, I would rather we had a child that was only his than neither of ours. He agreed. We talked about adoption, there are hundreds of children out there with no-one to care for them. This, I’ll be honest, would be a last resort. I hate to sound so cold about a human life but I myself would struggle to take on another persons child, knowing they had no blood relation to me. Knowing when they got to 18 they would probably want to find their real parents to find out who they are. Knowing that I would have brought them up as my own and yet they would long to know their real parents. Its tough, I admire anyone who adopts a child.
So where does this leave us.
Well, we are waiting for the results of husbands second sperm test. 99% knowing what the results will be but praying for a miracle.
We have an appointment at the fertility clinic in a few weeks. I’m very nervous about this. I have no idea what will happen in this appointment, what they will ask. What our options will be. I know they are going to bring up the issue of my weight. I have lost 21lbs up to now, but I need t lose a lot more. In fact 18lbs more just to get to bmi of 30 (max they will allow for IVF and other procedures).
I really need to get my head focused. I know that even if we are approved for one of these procedures (if we need it) we will be on a waiting list so I have some time to get there, but I need to get to this weight as a minimum before it can all begin and its so daunting. I’m so glad I started when I did or I would have a whole 39lbs to lose now!!
One of the hardest things about all of this is other peoples babies. I never thought I would be that woman, longing for a baby and looking at all the mothers with their newborns wishing it was me. When a baby advert comes on tv my heart drops. One of husbands work colleagues brought in a scan picture yesterday can you believe it!! The timing is incredible. She wasn’t trying and it’s a surprise. I can’t lie, that makes me feel sick. But I said to him we have to be happy for her, if she’s happy. We cant put a downer on other peoples good news.
I started thinking what if our friends start getting pregnant, I won’t be happy for them. I will be the miserable cow who cant be happy for her friends.
Oh theres so much to think about and get worked up over. I know I should try and relax and wait until we’ve had our first appointment. But obviously that’s impossible.
The true weight of all this is teetering on a scale, a slight breeze could tip it over and come crashing down on me. At the moment every time I start to think about it I try and think about something else. I feel angry a lot and I’m scared that this is all going to affect irreversibly.
Wednesday, 14 March 2012
Pity Party
Oh god. I'm not feeling on top of the world today.
I wish I was feeling more up beat and positive. But I'm not.
Ok lets start with a positive... I lost 1.5lb on Monday yay! That takes me to 21.5lb off altogether and its pretty much the best I have ever done on a weight loss plan. I am so so happy I started sw and have kept going with it. I would like to try and get to 2 stone off by my birthday but I know whenever I set targets I tend to go astray. So I'll just keep plodding and see where I get.
This week, I started calorie counting. Now I know I know, this is not part of the sw plan. But I thought I'd give it a go seen as my losses havent been great for a few weeks now. Its interesting to see how the calories add up.
Ok.. you've had the good news, here's the bad news. I'm not pregnant. Still. The witch showed her face this morining in all her glory.
Oh I had totally convinced myself this was the month. I had numerous 'symptoms', and the twinges and cramps etc, but alas it was not to be. I'm not going to go over my worries again, I've explained them numerous times now and its getting boring keep going over them in my own head never mind writing them down.
God I'm feeling so sorry for myself. Period pains and cramps are soo painful this month. I'm on the verge of tears because of this but also because I'm upset I didnt catch this month. I really do not want to be at work right now. Will someone please rescue me from this pity party...
All I want right now is to be a mum. I literally cannot think of anything else. I know putting all this pressure on myself probably isnt helping. But I feel like I'm under pressure timewise. I dont want to be an old mum.
Oh christ, just had a breakdown in the office. A colleague just asked if I was ok and I burst out crying. Went out of the office to calm down. Bless my colleague she really looked after me. Got me a drink and some paracetomol and told me to take 15 minutes out. Then came through with biscuits and 'softer tissues' bless her heart. Actually I feel a lot better now. Even though I've made a right show of myself.
Pull yourself together now girl. People have been through a lot worse.
I wish I was feeling more up beat and positive. But I'm not.
Ok lets start with a positive... I lost 1.5lb on Monday yay! That takes me to 21.5lb off altogether and its pretty much the best I have ever done on a weight loss plan. I am so so happy I started sw and have kept going with it. I would like to try and get to 2 stone off by my birthday but I know whenever I set targets I tend to go astray. So I'll just keep plodding and see where I get.
This week, I started calorie counting. Now I know I know, this is not part of the sw plan. But I thought I'd give it a go seen as my losses havent been great for a few weeks now. Its interesting to see how the calories add up.
Ok.. you've had the good news, here's the bad news. I'm not pregnant. Still. The witch showed her face this morining in all her glory.
Oh I had totally convinced myself this was the month. I had numerous 'symptoms', and the twinges and cramps etc, but alas it was not to be. I'm not going to go over my worries again, I've explained them numerous times now and its getting boring keep going over them in my own head never mind writing them down.
God I'm feeling so sorry for myself. Period pains and cramps are soo painful this month. I'm on the verge of tears because of this but also because I'm upset I didnt catch this month. I really do not want to be at work right now. Will someone please rescue me from this pity party...
All I want right now is to be a mum. I literally cannot think of anything else. I know putting all this pressure on myself probably isnt helping. But I feel like I'm under pressure timewise. I dont want to be an old mum.
Oh christ, just had a breakdown in the office. A colleague just asked if I was ok and I burst out crying. Went out of the office to calm down. Bless my colleague she really looked after me. Got me a drink and some paracetomol and told me to take 15 minutes out. Then came through with biscuits and 'softer tissues' bless her heart. Actually I feel a lot better now. Even though I've made a right show of myself.
Pull yourself together now girl. People have been through a lot worse.
Thursday, 8 March 2012
New Attitude
I'm back!
I have a new positive attitude and I'm raring to go!
I realised over the weekend I was sabotaging my own success, and I've gone right back to basics with SW and started again as if it was my first week. I know it works I just needed to get back in the right headspace as I said before.
I've got the whole weeks meals planned, lots and lots of veg (I find it easier to incorporate lots of veg into my meals than lots of fruit..), I've done one session on the exercise bike, got zumba tonight and badminton tomorrow, and weather permtting me and husband are going on a long walk over the weekend.
I've homecooked every meal so far this week (last week was really bad, out to eat 3 times and didnt have any food in or time to go shopping so subesquently didnt make the best choices) and all the meals included loads of veg. I'm drinking lots of water and limiting my snacks. I feel better already!
I didnt go to weigh in on Monday as I was off ill, waited right up until 1 hour before class to text my consultant as I really didnt want to miss a week, but I felt truly awful. In a way, it was a good thing. I knew I was probably on course for a gain which I was dreading. And this has kind of given me a fresh new start. Husband was worried I would go off the rails and stop completely like I have in the past-but I assured him I was more determined than ever and have so far proven it!
I've had some really nice meals since the weekend - vegetarian curry/ soft cheese and cherry tomato stuffed chicken with veg, parsnips and herby boiled potatoes/ chicken and butternut squash risotto/ spicey quorn sausage bake... Tonight I'm having pasta serve as I have zumba and need something quick before I go. Tomorrow I'm making a salmon and prawn pasta concoction with steamed veg. Not sure about Saturday's tea yet but Sunday will be steamed salmon with sw chips and roasted veg (ya know, something light before weigh in on Monday haha). It feels good to have the meals planned and sorted, I feel a lot more organised and I think this is going to be the key going forward.
So there you go, a post that is like the cheese to my last posts chalk.
I'm really going to try and keep the positive attitude, and in regards to ttc- when it happens it happens. I may not feel like that next week or even tomorrow, but for now I do so I'm making the most of it.
I have a new positive attitude and I'm raring to go!
I realised over the weekend I was sabotaging my own success, and I've gone right back to basics with SW and started again as if it was my first week. I know it works I just needed to get back in the right headspace as I said before.
I've got the whole weeks meals planned, lots and lots of veg (I find it easier to incorporate lots of veg into my meals than lots of fruit..), I've done one session on the exercise bike, got zumba tonight and badminton tomorrow, and weather permtting me and husband are going on a long walk over the weekend.
I've homecooked every meal so far this week (last week was really bad, out to eat 3 times and didnt have any food in or time to go shopping so subesquently didnt make the best choices) and all the meals included loads of veg. I'm drinking lots of water and limiting my snacks. I feel better already!
I didnt go to weigh in on Monday as I was off ill, waited right up until 1 hour before class to text my consultant as I really didnt want to miss a week, but I felt truly awful. In a way, it was a good thing. I knew I was probably on course for a gain which I was dreading. And this has kind of given me a fresh new start. Husband was worried I would go off the rails and stop completely like I have in the past-but I assured him I was more determined than ever and have so far proven it!
I've had some really nice meals since the weekend - vegetarian curry/ soft cheese and cherry tomato stuffed chicken with veg, parsnips and herby boiled potatoes/ chicken and butternut squash risotto/ spicey quorn sausage bake... Tonight I'm having pasta serve as I have zumba and need something quick before I go. Tomorrow I'm making a salmon and prawn pasta concoction with steamed veg. Not sure about Saturday's tea yet but Sunday will be steamed salmon with sw chips and roasted veg (ya know, something light before weigh in on Monday haha). It feels good to have the meals planned and sorted, I feel a lot more organised and I think this is going to be the key going forward.
So there you go, a post that is like the cheese to my last posts chalk.
I'm really going to try and keep the positive attitude, and in regards to ttc- when it happens it happens. I may not feel like that next week or even tomorrow, but for now I do so I'm making the most of it.
Friday, 2 March 2012
New Day
Right.
Today is a new day. No more whinging and moaning (in this post at least..).
Everythings fine with hubby, we are carrying on trying for a baby (as taking a break was mentioned when we argued).
I feel much happier today and seem to have a mindset of it happens when it happens. How long this will last is anyones guess but for today-its working.
Diet wise... eek, I think I may have to perform a miracle this weekend to even STS on Monday. But as ever, I will keep on trucking. I know it works, I have the proof of this and I know I can do it. Its about getting back into the right headspace. I'll get there.
I had a zumba class last night, and I think it proved to me that exercise does make you happy. I had such a bad day yesterday (as you may have noticed), and I didnt really want to go to class. But I went anyway and I'm so glad I did.
Apart from anything else, its an hour break from the world. I get completely engrossed in the class and the more out of breath and sweaty I get the better! Who'd have thought I would ever say something like that. The body releases endorphins when you exercise and by the end of the class I definitely had a smile on my face.
Me and husband are playing badminton later tonight. I'm hoping it will help towards weigh in on Monday though I'm not sure if its too late in the week... It will be fun anyway, even if husband does beat me everytime.
I have to try and stay positive. Sometimes the pressure of these two things starts to get a bit much. But by trying to keep a positive attitude it really helps me to cope.
Today is a new day. No more whinging and moaning (in this post at least..).
Everythings fine with hubby, we are carrying on trying for a baby (as taking a break was mentioned when we argued).
I feel much happier today and seem to have a mindset of it happens when it happens. How long this will last is anyones guess but for today-its working.
Diet wise... eek, I think I may have to perform a miracle this weekend to even STS on Monday. But as ever, I will keep on trucking. I know it works, I have the proof of this and I know I can do it. Its about getting back into the right headspace. I'll get there.
I had a zumba class last night, and I think it proved to me that exercise does make you happy. I had such a bad day yesterday (as you may have noticed), and I didnt really want to go to class. But I went anyway and I'm so glad I did.
Apart from anything else, its an hour break from the world. I get completely engrossed in the class and the more out of breath and sweaty I get the better! Who'd have thought I would ever say something like that. The body releases endorphins when you exercise and by the end of the class I definitely had a smile on my face.
Me and husband are playing badminton later tonight. I'm hoping it will help towards weigh in on Monday though I'm not sure if its too late in the week... It will be fun anyway, even if husband does beat me everytime.
I have to try and stay positive. Sometimes the pressure of these two things starts to get a bit much. But by trying to keep a positive attitude it really helps me to cope.
Thursday, 1 March 2012
Mrs Miserable
God I really am Mrs Miserable today.
I have to post again as theres nowhere else to get it out! I feel like I'm going mad.
I've stomped about like a bear with a sore head all day long. Hardly spoke a word at work and on the verge of tears pretty much all day. Whats wrong with me.
I feel so down and miserable, I'm getting sick my hearing myself say that now. I need to snap out of it before I spiral into oblivion and ruin everthing.
EDIT
Why is it that when you start ttc, all you see is babies! And everyone you know is announcing pregnancies?!...
Just today, I have found out 2 facebook friends are pregnant.
When I nipped to Sainsburys on my lunch break - my wedding day makeup artist (havent seen for 2 years) was pushing a pram with her small baby!
Then I turned down an aisle and almost walked into a heavily pregnant woman!!
Its unbelievable. It feels like god is taunting me.
My rational mind knows that 6 months isnt a long time. And that, like I have been advised, anywhere up to 2 years is normal for ttc. But when I think about it too much I get terrified that it will never happen for me. I think I put pressure on myself too because I always said I would have my first baby before I turn 30. And see as I turn 30 in two months it isnt gona happen. That was quite hard for me to come to terms with at first.
I'm really prattling on arent I. I'm sure I've said all of this stuff numerous times.
Ok, I really will stop now, you must be getting so fed up of my negative attitude.
Hopefully it will have disappeared by tomorrow.
I have to post again as theres nowhere else to get it out! I feel like I'm going mad.
I've stomped about like a bear with a sore head all day long. Hardly spoke a word at work and on the verge of tears pretty much all day. Whats wrong with me.
I feel so down and miserable, I'm getting sick my hearing myself say that now. I need to snap out of it before I spiral into oblivion and ruin everthing.
EDIT
Why is it that when you start ttc, all you see is babies! And everyone you know is announcing pregnancies?!...
Just today, I have found out 2 facebook friends are pregnant.
When I nipped to Sainsburys on my lunch break - my wedding day makeup artist (havent seen for 2 years) was pushing a pram with her small baby!
Then I turned down an aisle and almost walked into a heavily pregnant woman!!
Its unbelievable. It feels like god is taunting me.
My rational mind knows that 6 months isnt a long time. And that, like I have been advised, anywhere up to 2 years is normal for ttc. But when I think about it too much I get terrified that it will never happen for me. I think I put pressure on myself too because I always said I would have my first baby before I turn 30. And see as I turn 30 in two months it isnt gona happen. That was quite hard for me to come to terms with at first.
I'm really prattling on arent I. I'm sure I've said all of this stuff numerous times.
Ok, I really will stop now, you must be getting so fed up of my negative attitude.
Hopefully it will have disappeared by tomorrow.
On a Downer
I apologise upfront for this post.. its gona be a real downer so look away now if you want.
I am feeling really fed up and sad today. Really really fed up and down.
I feel like my diet is going tits up and its all my fault for not sticking to it properly. I cant seem to snap out of this rut and feel like I'm wasting my money every week. Last week I STS, week before I lost 1.5lb, week before that I STS. Its feels like ground hog day - small loss-sts-small loss-sts. I know its my fault, I'm slipping into old habits then trying to rectify it before weigh in day by not eating very much or just having soup or something. This is what I used to do when I got desperate to lose. I feel stressed about it and I'm starting to dread every weigh in now. I feel like I've done so well so far, and I know I can go all the way. But theres a wall in front of me and right now its 200ft high and smooth as marble. And I cant get my head around how to scale it.
Also.. and this is the only place I feel I can talk about it (with it being semi anonymous), trying for a baby is starting to fall apart.
Every month is like a rollercoaster, excitement of trying and then symptom spotting, then waiting to test then getting a negative. Its so utterley disappointing every month and I dont think I can take much more. I know it sounds abit dramatic as we've only been trying 6 months, but I never thought it would take so long and the longer it goes on the more I have a sinking feeling that something is physically wrong with me or my husband.
I see all these people on facebook etc posting about being pregnant, and I am happy for them, but at the same time I'm insanely jealous. I dont want to feel like this. I dont want to turn into an obsessive monster about it I really dont.
I keep thinking why not me, why isnt it my turn, when will it be my turn, whats wrong with me.
Me and husband fell out big time last night. He is very very private and didnt want me telling any family or close friends (or anyone at all) about the fact that we have started trying. I was annoyed but kept to it for months..until last night. I met with a friend for tea and we started talking about babies (we're both at an age where this gets talked about a lot) and it just slipped out. She is soo happy for us.
When I got home I slipped up in conversation and let slip I had told her. Hubby went mad. Says he cant trust me and is so disappointed. I reacted quite badly to that as I feel as though I have been keeping everything inside and cant really discuss how I'm feeling with anyone. I said I already feel stressed, upset etc and now guilty on top of that.
I feel like giving up. I feel like its never gona happen so why bother. I feel so pathetic for feeling so upset and talking about giving up already..
So there, I did warn you. I guess the two issues are inevitably related. Whats a girl to do, seriously tell me. I have no clue and no-one to turn to.
I am feeling really fed up and sad today. Really really fed up and down.
I feel like my diet is going tits up and its all my fault for not sticking to it properly. I cant seem to snap out of this rut and feel like I'm wasting my money every week. Last week I STS, week before I lost 1.5lb, week before that I STS. Its feels like ground hog day - small loss-sts-small loss-sts. I know its my fault, I'm slipping into old habits then trying to rectify it before weigh in day by not eating very much or just having soup or something. This is what I used to do when I got desperate to lose. I feel stressed about it and I'm starting to dread every weigh in now. I feel like I've done so well so far, and I know I can go all the way. But theres a wall in front of me and right now its 200ft high and smooth as marble. And I cant get my head around how to scale it.
Also.. and this is the only place I feel I can talk about it (with it being semi anonymous), trying for a baby is starting to fall apart.
Every month is like a rollercoaster, excitement of trying and then symptom spotting, then waiting to test then getting a negative. Its so utterley disappointing every month and I dont think I can take much more. I know it sounds abit dramatic as we've only been trying 6 months, but I never thought it would take so long and the longer it goes on the more I have a sinking feeling that something is physically wrong with me or my husband.
I see all these people on facebook etc posting about being pregnant, and I am happy for them, but at the same time I'm insanely jealous. I dont want to feel like this. I dont want to turn into an obsessive monster about it I really dont.
I keep thinking why not me, why isnt it my turn, when will it be my turn, whats wrong with me.
Me and husband fell out big time last night. He is very very private and didnt want me telling any family or close friends (or anyone at all) about the fact that we have started trying. I was annoyed but kept to it for months..until last night. I met with a friend for tea and we started talking about babies (we're both at an age where this gets talked about a lot) and it just slipped out. She is soo happy for us.
When I got home I slipped up in conversation and let slip I had told her. Hubby went mad. Says he cant trust me and is so disappointed. I reacted quite badly to that as I feel as though I have been keeping everything inside and cant really discuss how I'm feeling with anyone. I said I already feel stressed, upset etc and now guilty on top of that.
I feel like giving up. I feel like its never gona happen so why bother. I feel so pathetic for feeling so upset and talking about giving up already..
So there, I did warn you. I guess the two issues are inevitably related. Whats a girl to do, seriously tell me. I have no clue and no-one to turn to.
Tuesday, 14 February 2012
Kickstart
Well I was right.
STS.
Grrrrrrrrrrr.
Totally deserved but as I predicted I was still gutted about it. In the back of my mind I thought I may have just saved it over the weekend and edged a 0.5lb loss. But hey ho, I know its deserved so I cant really moan.
This week, I have decided to do something drastic. But I'm not going to tell anyone what it is until after next weigh in. Mostly because I know I would be told off (by who?). I know its probably wrong but its only for a week to kick start my losses which have been pitiful of late.
I have lost 18.5lb so far. My trousers are loose, and I am told by my husband theres less of me to hug (haha). But I'm not really feeling it. Whenever I happen to think about what I weigh, I always picture my starting weight. I imagine most people trying to lose weight feel like this, especially people who have been overweight for a long long time. Like myself.
So heres to a new week. Lets keep everything crossed for a decent loss to kickstart my loss, as at the moment it feels like I'm wading through mud.
STS.
Grrrrrrrrrrr.
Totally deserved but as I predicted I was still gutted about it. In the back of my mind I thought I may have just saved it over the weekend and edged a 0.5lb loss. But hey ho, I know its deserved so I cant really moan.
This week, I have decided to do something drastic. But I'm not going to tell anyone what it is until after next weigh in. Mostly because I know I would be told off (by who?). I know its probably wrong but its only for a week to kick start my losses which have been pitiful of late.
I have lost 18.5lb so far. My trousers are loose, and I am told by my husband theres less of me to hug (haha). But I'm not really feeling it. Whenever I happen to think about what I weigh, I always picture my starting weight. I imagine most people trying to lose weight feel like this, especially people who have been overweight for a long long time. Like myself.
So heres to a new week. Lets keep everything crossed for a decent loss to kickstart my loss, as at the moment it feels like I'm wading through mud.
Friday, 10 February 2012
Losing my Way
Last weigh in I lost 1.5lbs... WOOHOO!! I was soo happy to stand on the scales and see the reward for the week.
I would say it was less deserved than it would have been the previous two weeks as well because I know I didnt do as well eating wise. My weekly food included a chinese takeaway whilst visiting my mum, a slice of victoria sponge, a chocolate bar and various other bits and bobs of chocolate.
I felt bad whilst I was eating it, all of it, but I just couldnt resist. I think because I had 2 weeks of being good and no result, that in my mind I though well I may as well just eat a bit of what I fancy. And funnily enough, I lost.
This week, has sort of gone in the same direction if I'm being completely honest. I've kind of lost my way a little.
It started on Tuesday when a workmate brought in some cakes as it was his birthday. I had one and didnt even think twice. I've also had a cupcake, a cream egg, around 8 truffles, a cheese and bean pasty and a chicken and cheese white baguette. Its pretty much the worst week I've had since I started SW.
I am mad with myself as I KNEW this was likely to happen after having 2 STS weeks-I even wrote about it, and yet I just let it happen like I had no control over what I put in my mouth.
This all happened within about 3 days this week, and I have pulled it back the remaining days so I should be proud of myself for not letting the entire week slip.... but... it should never have slipped in the first place. And the best I can hope for is surely a maintain.
I will be disappointed with this, even though I know its deserved. Its another week wasted in my eyes. But its all my own fault and I brough it on myself.
I make it so hard on myself. Its hard enough as it is losing weight but I add to my own downfall and sabotage my success.
I'm sure a psychiatrist could give me a good reason why I (and many others) do this to themselves, and no doubt it has something to do with something that happened in my childhood (nothing I'm instantly aware of I may add).
So tonight is weigh in night, and I'm going not expecting anything positive. Its really not the attitude to have is it, I must snap out of this for next week and have a really positive week if I can.
Wish me luck.
I would say it was less deserved than it would have been the previous two weeks as well because I know I didnt do as well eating wise. My weekly food included a chinese takeaway whilst visiting my mum, a slice of victoria sponge, a chocolate bar and various other bits and bobs of chocolate.
I felt bad whilst I was eating it, all of it, but I just couldnt resist. I think because I had 2 weeks of being good and no result, that in my mind I though well I may as well just eat a bit of what I fancy. And funnily enough, I lost.
This week, has sort of gone in the same direction if I'm being completely honest. I've kind of lost my way a little.
It started on Tuesday when a workmate brought in some cakes as it was his birthday. I had one and didnt even think twice. I've also had a cupcake, a cream egg, around 8 truffles, a cheese and bean pasty and a chicken and cheese white baguette. Its pretty much the worst week I've had since I started SW.
I am mad with myself as I KNEW this was likely to happen after having 2 STS weeks-I even wrote about it, and yet I just let it happen like I had no control over what I put in my mouth.
This all happened within about 3 days this week, and I have pulled it back the remaining days so I should be proud of myself for not letting the entire week slip.... but... it should never have slipped in the first place. And the best I can hope for is surely a maintain.
I will be disappointed with this, even though I know its deserved. Its another week wasted in my eyes. But its all my own fault and I brough it on myself.
I make it so hard on myself. Its hard enough as it is losing weight but I add to my own downfall and sabotage my success.
I'm sure a psychiatrist could give me a good reason why I (and many others) do this to themselves, and no doubt it has something to do with something that happened in my childhood (nothing I'm instantly aware of I may add).
So tonight is weigh in night, and I'm going not expecting anything positive. Its really not the attitude to have is it, I must snap out of this for next week and have a really positive week if I can.
Wish me luck.
Friday, 3 February 2012
Ready to Post
Ok, so.
For the second week running I got a STS on the SW scales. To say I was gutted is a complete understatement. Especially after the previous weeks results.
I really made a conscious effort to stick to the plan, to exercise and drink lots of water to help compensate for the exercise. And it’s made zero difference.I just cant believe a week like I had just had could produce a result the same as over christmas! (I think I mentioned that in a previous post, but I'm just so incredulous about it!!)
I rushed out of the meeting, and tears started to well. Then I realised I had left my book on the table in the class room and had to quickly pull myself together and go back and get the book. Then as soon as I left the tears started and this time didn’t stop for a good while.
I know it sounds dramatic, but this really is a big thing for me at the moment. Especially as really I need to lose weight in order to up my chances of conceiving.
I drove myself home, and was consoled by my wonderful husband for 10 minutes until the tears dried up. He is such a love. Telling me to keep going and I'm doing so well not to let 2 weeks spoil what I had achieved so far. He's right. But I will admit here my motivation and willpower are slowly eroding with every bad result. My head's telling me to give up but my heart knows its right to keep going.I really want to do well.
I have never been so motivated before, and I don’t want to give up like I would have in the past. I don’t want to slip into old habits and end up putting the weight back on and more. I’m fighting my old instincts at the moment and its hard work.
I know it works, as I’ve lost 17lb already, I’m just at a complete loss as to why it hasn’t worked in the last 2 weeks. I really genuinely am.
On another note, after timing everything to perfection I got a BFN in January (big fat negative). I was really so sure this would be the month for me and hubby... but its not to be.
Now we are going into our 6th month of TTC, and the longer it goes on the more I start to worry that something is wrong.
All in all we’re 2 healthy people (bar the couple of stone I need to lose), we eat healthily and both exercise. I’m taking supplements, have stopped drinking and nearly totally cut out caffeine. I don’t know that I could be doing much more to help so it is getting worrying.
Anyway I’m repeating myself here, I’ve said all of this already and I don’t want to keep going over it so the next time I post will (fingers crossed) be when I have some good news to tell.
For the second week running I got a STS on the SW scales. To say I was gutted is a complete understatement. Especially after the previous weeks results.
I really made a conscious effort to stick to the plan, to exercise and drink lots of water to help compensate for the exercise. And it’s made zero difference.I just cant believe a week like I had just had could produce a result the same as over christmas! (I think I mentioned that in a previous post, but I'm just so incredulous about it!!)
I rushed out of the meeting, and tears started to well. Then I realised I had left my book on the table in the class room and had to quickly pull myself together and go back and get the book. Then as soon as I left the tears started and this time didn’t stop for a good while.
I know it sounds dramatic, but this really is a big thing for me at the moment. Especially as really I need to lose weight in order to up my chances of conceiving.
I drove myself home, and was consoled by my wonderful husband for 10 minutes until the tears dried up. He is such a love. Telling me to keep going and I'm doing so well not to let 2 weeks spoil what I had achieved so far. He's right. But I will admit here my motivation and willpower are slowly eroding with every bad result. My head's telling me to give up but my heart knows its right to keep going.I really want to do well.
I have never been so motivated before, and I don’t want to give up like I would have in the past. I don’t want to slip into old habits and end up putting the weight back on and more. I’m fighting my old instincts at the moment and its hard work.
I know it works, as I’ve lost 17lb already, I’m just at a complete loss as to why it hasn’t worked in the last 2 weeks. I really genuinely am.
On another note, after timing everything to perfection I got a BFN in January (big fat negative). I was really so sure this would be the month for me and hubby... but its not to be.
Now we are going into our 6th month of TTC, and the longer it goes on the more I start to worry that something is wrong.
All in all we’re 2 healthy people (bar the couple of stone I need to lose), we eat healthily and both exercise. I’m taking supplements, have stopped drinking and nearly totally cut out caffeine. I don’t know that I could be doing much more to help so it is getting worrying.
Anyway I’m repeating myself here, I’ve said all of this already and I don’t want to keep going over it so the next time I post will (fingers crossed) be when I have some good news to tell.
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
STS... again...
Its been a tough couple of days.
Over the weekend, I did a pregnancy test, and it came back negative. I really thought this month was the one. We got the timings spot on, I've been taking vitamins etc, given up coffee, eating a healthy diet due to SW... but obviously this just wasnt my month.
Weigh in was on Monday and I stayed the same again. I geuniely have no idea why and I really havent got the attitude or inclination right now to write about it. Maybe I will later in the week.
Over the weekend, I did a pregnancy test, and it came back negative. I really thought this month was the one. We got the timings spot on, I've been taking vitamins etc, given up coffee, eating a healthy diet due to SW... but obviously this just wasnt my month.
Weigh in was on Monday and I stayed the same again. I geuniely have no idea why and I really havent got the attitude or inclination right now to write about it. Maybe I will later in the week.
Monday, 30 January 2012
Rollercoaster
I'm struggling a bit at the moment.
I go through a definite pattern of phases when I try and lose weight. Good, bad, good, bad etc etc ad infinitum.
Lately though it feels like the bad phases seem to be lasting longer than usual.
Over christmas I STS for 2 weeks, which I was very happy with, but I would class that as bad period. Then I lost 1lb, then 2.5lb which is definitley a good period. I was hoping it would last 3 or 4 weeks but then last week I STS again, and it loks like I'm on course for another STS this week.
Its very frustrating.
Last week I knew I had been good so I put it down to it being * week. But this week?? Who knows. I have been going for it exercise wise, which I have heard can affect weight loss, but I have been drinking at least 2L of water a day which I thought would counteract this.
I know I shouldnt weigh myself during the week but as I have said in earlier posts, I hate not having some idea of how I've done before I step on the scales. I would have had a MASSIVE shock last week if I hadnt of done that, as I thought I'd done really well.
Another thing I've heard recently, is that your weight loss/gain is actually dependant on how you've done the previous week, i.e. if you have been naughty and eaten say 10 chocolate bars, it takes a week for it to show on the scales, its not immediate. Buuuuut, if that were the case, then I would be showing a good loss this week as I was so good last week.
Oh I don't know, I reckon I definitely think too much about it, and in too much detail. But I just cant help it!
I guess we'll see later when I go to class, but I'm not looking forward to it (not that I ever do of course).
Expect an update tomorrow..... fingers crossed.
I go through a definite pattern of phases when I try and lose weight. Good, bad, good, bad etc etc ad infinitum.
Lately though it feels like the bad phases seem to be lasting longer than usual.
Over christmas I STS for 2 weeks, which I was very happy with, but I would class that as bad period. Then I lost 1lb, then 2.5lb which is definitley a good period. I was hoping it would last 3 or 4 weeks but then last week I STS again, and it loks like I'm on course for another STS this week.
Its very frustrating.
Last week I knew I had been good so I put it down to it being * week. But this week?? Who knows. I have been going for it exercise wise, which I have heard can affect weight loss, but I have been drinking at least 2L of water a day which I thought would counteract this.
I know I shouldnt weigh myself during the week but as I have said in earlier posts, I hate not having some idea of how I've done before I step on the scales. I would have had a MASSIVE shock last week if I hadnt of done that, as I thought I'd done really well.
Another thing I've heard recently, is that your weight loss/gain is actually dependant on how you've done the previous week, i.e. if you have been naughty and eaten say 10 chocolate bars, it takes a week for it to show on the scales, its not immediate. Buuuuut, if that were the case, then I would be showing a good loss this week as I was so good last week.
Oh I don't know, I reckon I definitely think too much about it, and in too much detail. But I just cant help it!
I guess we'll see later when I go to class, but I'm not looking forward to it (not that I ever do of course).
Expect an update tomorrow..... fingers crossed.
Friday, 27 January 2012
Water Water
I've been trying to drink loads of water recently.
Yesterday I drank 3L of water, which is quite a lot! 2 during the day and one during and after zumba.
Ever since reading that if you do exercise you have to make sure you drink a lot of water or you risk putting ON weight, its almost become an obsession. I'm addicted to water! Who'd have thought!
Before I started SW I would say I was addicted to diet coke/diet pepsi. I hardly ever drank water.
Since then I hardly ever drink coke and if I do I find it really sweet and it gives me a headache. Funny how your tastes change and how your body adapts to whatever you put in it.
I cant believe I ate so badly for so long. You hear people say 'treat your body like a temple' and you think yeah yeah hippy dippy talk. But actually its so true, your body is all you have, you should treat it well and with respect for the amazing machine that it is.
Anywho... I'm hoping to get in a bit more exercise over the weekend. Possibly badminton tomorrow, and a long walk round Sutton Park on Sunday before visiting the in-laws. I can take my snazzy new camera with me too and take some pics on the way round.
Exercise this week - 25 minutes on the bike then 10 minutes weights, 1 hour zumba, 1 hour badminton, 1.5 hours walk. I think that should make a difference this week, but then I thought that last week... I'm trying to stay positive though, I don't think I could face a none loss 2 weeks in a row. I really really want to stay motivated and not seeing results for the hard work is the biggest demotivator going.
I'm 30 in 3 months, when I first started SW my 30th birthday was my target date-this gave me 7 months to lose 4.5 stone. It was possibly a little ambitious... little did I know I'd be a 'slow loser' and 4 months in wouldn't even be half way there.
I've learnt along the way that setting target dates only ultimately leads to disappointment and I've given up doing it now. I am just going to keep plodding along and I will weigh what I weigh when I get there. I know this much though, it will be at least 1.5 stone less than I weighed on my 29th birthday. And that's something to be proud of.
Anywho... I'm hoping to get in a bit more exercise over the weekend. Possibly badminton tomorrow, and a long walk round Sutton Park on Sunday before visiting the in-laws. I can take my snazzy new camera with me too and take some pics on the way round.
Exercise this week - 25 minutes on the bike then 10 minutes weights, 1 hour zumba, 1 hour badminton, 1.5 hours walk. I think that should make a difference this week, but then I thought that last week... I'm trying to stay positive though, I don't think I could face a none loss 2 weeks in a row. I really really want to stay motivated and not seeing results for the hard work is the biggest demotivator going.
I'm 30 in 3 months, when I first started SW my 30th birthday was my target date-this gave me 7 months to lose 4.5 stone. It was possibly a little ambitious... little did I know I'd be a 'slow loser' and 4 months in wouldn't even be half way there.
I've learnt along the way that setting target dates only ultimately leads to disappointment and I've given up doing it now. I am just going to keep plodding along and I will weigh what I weigh when I get there. I know this much though, it will be at least 1.5 stone less than I weighed on my 29th birthday. And that's something to be proud of.
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
Food and Me
I was thinking yesterday about my relationship with food. It sounds so poncy put like that doesnt it.
I have never liked salad, veg; could take it or leave it. Always had a sweet tooth.
When I was around 5, my mum says all I would eat for weeks at a time was cold spaghetti hoops.
I remember being about 9, sat at the dinner table. Everyone else had salad with their tea and I refused to eat any. I didnt like the texture, and still dont. My Dad made me sit at the table until I ate a piece of lettuce. I think it took me about half an hour and I pretty much havent eaten any since that day!
I'm very funny about the texture of food, and the smell. If it doesnt smell right I absolutely cannot eat it. Im also funny about eating in front of other people, and other people eating in front of me. If someones eating horribly it totally puts me off my food, and I feel really self concious about eating in front of people I dont know, or dont know very well. I dont know where all these issues have come from. I've had them as long as I can remember.
I've used food as a comforter, a reward, to cure boredom. I've eaten when I'm happy, to celebrate. Food - the cure all.
I was writing out my shopping list yesterday and I had a moment where I was amazed at the things I was writing down. And the things I wanted to write down. Salmon, veg, more veg, chopped toms, quorn, cous cous.... But it got me thinking that whilst I enjoy a lot of what I eat, if I'm honest I'm only really eating it in order to lose weight. And this thought scared me a little, am I going to be able to maintain this when I get to target. I guess nobody really knows. Hopefully by then I will love all the food I'm eating and will really want to stick with eating it.
I think I'm getting there slowly. When I think of the food I used to eat every night-pizza and chips, chicken and chips, spag bol, stodge stodge stodge basically-beige stodge, I couldnt stomach it anymore. The thought of it actually makes me feel a little ill! I used to eat so many chips, now I have them once a week if that on my meal off after weigh in.
So maybe I'm doing better mentally than I think I am.
Its so hard to change your way of thinking though. I've lost 17lb so far and although I can see that my trousers are getting loser, I dont feel like I look any different at all. And no-one has really said I look like I've lost weight either. These people dont know I'm on a diet granted, but I would have hoped someone would have noticed by now. Maybe after another stone or so it will become really noticeable.
I really dont want to sound negative about the whole issue, so I hope it isnt coming across that way. I am absolutely ecstatic about losing 17lbs, its the best I've done for absolutely ages and I feel positive about the weeks to come.
All I'm doing is trying to figure out - probably for myself more than anyone - why I'm in this situation and the things I'm going through.
I have never liked salad, veg; could take it or leave it. Always had a sweet tooth.
When I was around 5, my mum says all I would eat for weeks at a time was cold spaghetti hoops.
I remember being about 9, sat at the dinner table. Everyone else had salad with their tea and I refused to eat any. I didnt like the texture, and still dont. My Dad made me sit at the table until I ate a piece of lettuce. I think it took me about half an hour and I pretty much havent eaten any since that day!
I'm very funny about the texture of food, and the smell. If it doesnt smell right I absolutely cannot eat it. Im also funny about eating in front of other people, and other people eating in front of me. If someones eating horribly it totally puts me off my food, and I feel really self concious about eating in front of people I dont know, or dont know very well. I dont know where all these issues have come from. I've had them as long as I can remember.
I've used food as a comforter, a reward, to cure boredom. I've eaten when I'm happy, to celebrate. Food - the cure all.
I was writing out my shopping list yesterday and I had a moment where I was amazed at the things I was writing down. And the things I wanted to write down. Salmon, veg, more veg, chopped toms, quorn, cous cous.... But it got me thinking that whilst I enjoy a lot of what I eat, if I'm honest I'm only really eating it in order to lose weight. And this thought scared me a little, am I going to be able to maintain this when I get to target. I guess nobody really knows. Hopefully by then I will love all the food I'm eating and will really want to stick with eating it.
I think I'm getting there slowly. When I think of the food I used to eat every night-pizza and chips, chicken and chips, spag bol, stodge stodge stodge basically-beige stodge, I couldnt stomach it anymore. The thought of it actually makes me feel a little ill! I used to eat so many chips, now I have them once a week if that on my meal off after weigh in.
So maybe I'm doing better mentally than I think I am.
Its so hard to change your way of thinking though. I've lost 17lb so far and although I can see that my trousers are getting loser, I dont feel like I look any different at all. And no-one has really said I look like I've lost weight either. These people dont know I'm on a diet granted, but I would have hoped someone would have noticed by now. Maybe after another stone or so it will become really noticeable.
I really dont want to sound negative about the whole issue, so I hope it isnt coming across that way. I am absolutely ecstatic about losing 17lbs, its the best I've done for absolutely ages and I feel positive about the weeks to come.
All I'm doing is trying to figure out - probably for myself more than anyone - why I'm in this situation and the things I'm going through.
Tuesday, 24 January 2012
A Small Blip
Phew, its been a busy week.. hence the not much posting.
I've had a good week in terms of SW, done lots of exercise and drank LOTS of water. BUT..
Stayed the same at weigh in last night :( I was so so disappointed. When I think I STS over Christmas when I was eating some naughty stuff, I cant believe a week like I've just had would produce the same result.
The only thing I can think that would have affected it is the fact I started my period this week (sorry if TMI!) and that can sometimes cause a result like this.
Whatever the reason, I was absolutely GUTTED.
Now, I am a cryer. I cry mostly out of frustration a lot of the time, and once its coming I cant usually stop it. I held it in at the SW class, but as soon as I was in the car out came the tears. I think this week it was because I felt really robbed. I had a good week and had nothing to show for it. It almost feels like a wasted week. I know that sounds dramatic but when you know in your heart you have really given it 100% and you are expecting a loss, its a disappointing shock when you stand on the scales and nothing changes.
It really is an emotional rollercoaster being on a diet. Especially one like this where once a week you are accountable for your actions - if you have been naughty you are only cheating yourself, and more often than not it will show on the scales. (Though there are some annoying people who seem to get away with having naughty weekends etc and still lose. I am definitely not one of them. If I so much as look at a cream cake I put on 1lb).
After the tears had stopped, and I had calmed down a little, I became quite determined that I would not let this ruin next weeks result. In the past I may have been tempted to give up at this point. Or start to be naughty thinking 'well I dont lose if I stick to it so why bother'. But I didnt have that thought in my head at all. In fact quite the opposite. I think it made me realise that this time I am so so determined. And I am not going to give up until I get there. It really has clicked for me this time.
So here I am at the start of another week. Determined to have another saintly 7 days and hopefully see the results this time.
I feel sometimes like I put a lot of pressure on myself. No-one else is pressuring me, least of all my husband. He's such a great support and is happy with any loss at all each week. But when I dont do so well like this week I feel like I am letting people down, and like I'm no good and why isnt it working for me.
I'm also TTC at the moment. (trying to conceive for those of you not au faix with the lingo). We've been trying for 5 months now and I feel a little under pressure from that too. I know I'm overweight and I'm doing something to try and sort that. But heavier people than me get pregnant so that cant be the only reason its not catching.
Maybe I was a little naive when we started trying. I thought it would happen in a couple of months, but so far nothing. Its quite upsetting. We are both longing for a baby and we've done it right - been together 10 years this year and married for 2. Decided to wait until we feel ready emotionally and financially, so it feels a little unfair that we dont get pregnant at the drop of a hat like some people seem to.
I'm 30 in a couple of months, and it scares me that I'll be trying for my first baby in my 30's. All the medical advice seems to say it starts to get harder when you turn 30. Also I would like 2 or 3 kids so I will be in my mid 30's by the time I'm trying for those.
Anyways, as you can see I tend to get in quite a tiz about it once I get going. I'm trying to stay calm but the longer it goes on the more convinced I am that something is wrong with me or my husband.
I guess regarding both issues, I just have to keep plodding on and trying to stay positive. And not falling into old habits like giving up at the first hurdle.
I've had a good week in terms of SW, done lots of exercise and drank LOTS of water. BUT..
Stayed the same at weigh in last night :( I was so so disappointed. When I think I STS over Christmas when I was eating some naughty stuff, I cant believe a week like I've just had would produce the same result.
The only thing I can think that would have affected it is the fact I started my period this week (sorry if TMI!) and that can sometimes cause a result like this.
Whatever the reason, I was absolutely GUTTED.
Now, I am a cryer. I cry mostly out of frustration a lot of the time, and once its coming I cant usually stop it. I held it in at the SW class, but as soon as I was in the car out came the tears. I think this week it was because I felt really robbed. I had a good week and had nothing to show for it. It almost feels like a wasted week. I know that sounds dramatic but when you know in your heart you have really given it 100% and you are expecting a loss, its a disappointing shock when you stand on the scales and nothing changes.
It really is an emotional rollercoaster being on a diet. Especially one like this where once a week you are accountable for your actions - if you have been naughty you are only cheating yourself, and more often than not it will show on the scales. (Though there are some annoying people who seem to get away with having naughty weekends etc and still lose. I am definitely not one of them. If I so much as look at a cream cake I put on 1lb).
After the tears had stopped, and I had calmed down a little, I became quite determined that I would not let this ruin next weeks result. In the past I may have been tempted to give up at this point. Or start to be naughty thinking 'well I dont lose if I stick to it so why bother'. But I didnt have that thought in my head at all. In fact quite the opposite. I think it made me realise that this time I am so so determined. And I am not going to give up until I get there. It really has clicked for me this time.
So here I am at the start of another week. Determined to have another saintly 7 days and hopefully see the results this time.
I feel sometimes like I put a lot of pressure on myself. No-one else is pressuring me, least of all my husband. He's such a great support and is happy with any loss at all each week. But when I dont do so well like this week I feel like I am letting people down, and like I'm no good and why isnt it working for me.
I'm also TTC at the moment. (trying to conceive for those of you not au faix with the lingo). We've been trying for 5 months now and I feel a little under pressure from that too. I know I'm overweight and I'm doing something to try and sort that. But heavier people than me get pregnant so that cant be the only reason its not catching.
Maybe I was a little naive when we started trying. I thought it would happen in a couple of months, but so far nothing. Its quite upsetting. We are both longing for a baby and we've done it right - been together 10 years this year and married for 2. Decided to wait until we feel ready emotionally and financially, so it feels a little unfair that we dont get pregnant at the drop of a hat like some people seem to.
I'm 30 in a couple of months, and it scares me that I'll be trying for my first baby in my 30's. All the medical advice seems to say it starts to get harder when you turn 30. Also I would like 2 or 3 kids so I will be in my mid 30's by the time I'm trying for those.
Anyways, as you can see I tend to get in quite a tiz about it once I get going. I'm trying to stay calm but the longer it goes on the more convinced I am that something is wrong with me or my husband.
I guess regarding both issues, I just have to keep plodding on and trying to stay positive. And not falling into old habits like giving up at the first hurdle.
Thursday, 19 January 2012
Time Flies
The weeks go so fast lately.
You have to make every day count on SW as before you know it, its the weekend and (in my case) weigh in on Monday! It seems to come round so fast.
So far this week, I reckon I've been pretty good. Made a really tasty butternut squash and bacon risotto for tea last night, the husband is loving the amount of new meals I'm making lately!
I've also been on the exercise bike once and I'm going to my weekly zumba class tonight. Which I actually look forward to, imagine that! Friday I will be on the bike again, and at some point over the weekend my and hubby will go on a super long walk again. Well if it worked last week, I'm sure as hell gonna try again this week!
There are so many weight loss programmes on at the moment. On Tuesday night I watched a programme called The Biggest Loser UK. Now I'm in 2 minds about this show. On the one hand, these people are getting a massive helping hand and making positive changes to their health and wellbeing, that they admit freely-they couldnt have done by themselves. They're taught about things such as nutrition and exercise, and have 3 personal trainers with them everyday.
But, the issue I have with the show, is that it does sometimes feel like we're intruding on private moments. Standing on a scale (with your t-shirt off..the men obviously) and being weighed in front of god knows how many people just seems a little humiliating to me. I know they know what they've signed up for.. but still.
I would hate for anyone to know what I weigh. The only people who know are me, the weighing lady (for want of a better description) and the sw class leader. (Oh and anyone who reads this blog ha). Not even my husband. I'm too ashamed, and even when I hit my target weight I can imagine being too embarrassed to tell anyone. I dont mind telling people what I've lost - thats a whole different kettle of fish!
It's embarrassing to know you've let yourself get to this situation. And to know no matter what you wear, or how you act, that other people know it too. Just by looking at you. Its not something you can hide or cover up. Some days you may feel better about yourself and think you look a little nicer. But to everyone else, you look the same, overweight. I can't wait for the day when people dont look at me and only see an overweight person.
I watch these weight loss programmes, and knowing I am included in the statistics is pretty depressing. 'X amount of people in Britain are overweight' that includes me I think, I am one of those people they're talking about.
I dont want to be part of that number anymore.
You have to make every day count on SW as before you know it, its the weekend and (in my case) weigh in on Monday! It seems to come round so fast.
So far this week, I reckon I've been pretty good. Made a really tasty butternut squash and bacon risotto for tea last night, the husband is loving the amount of new meals I'm making lately!
I've also been on the exercise bike once and I'm going to my weekly zumba class tonight. Which I actually look forward to, imagine that! Friday I will be on the bike again, and at some point over the weekend my and hubby will go on a super long walk again. Well if it worked last week, I'm sure as hell gonna try again this week!
There are so many weight loss programmes on at the moment. On Tuesday night I watched a programme called The Biggest Loser UK. Now I'm in 2 minds about this show. On the one hand, these people are getting a massive helping hand and making positive changes to their health and wellbeing, that they admit freely-they couldnt have done by themselves. They're taught about things such as nutrition and exercise, and have 3 personal trainers with them everyday.
But, the issue I have with the show, is that it does sometimes feel like we're intruding on private moments. Standing on a scale (with your t-shirt off..the men obviously) and being weighed in front of god knows how many people just seems a little humiliating to me. I know they know what they've signed up for.. but still.
I would hate for anyone to know what I weigh. The only people who know are me, the weighing lady (for want of a better description) and the sw class leader. (Oh and anyone who reads this blog ha). Not even my husband. I'm too ashamed, and even when I hit my target weight I can imagine being too embarrassed to tell anyone. I dont mind telling people what I've lost - thats a whole different kettle of fish!
It's embarrassing to know you've let yourself get to this situation. And to know no matter what you wear, or how you act, that other people know it too. Just by looking at you. Its not something you can hide or cover up. Some days you may feel better about yourself and think you look a little nicer. But to everyone else, you look the same, overweight. I can't wait for the day when people dont look at me and only see an overweight person.
I watch these weight loss programmes, and knowing I am included in the statistics is pretty depressing. 'X amount of people in Britain are overweight' that includes me I think, I am one of those people they're talking about.
I dont want to be part of that number anymore.
Tuesday, 17 January 2012
The Results are IN
*Drum roll please*.... 2.5lb lost!
YIPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
I am a slow and steady 1lb a week girl (and sometimes 0.5lb a week), so any loss over 1lb is amazing, I was grinning like a cheshire cat all night long.
Im up to 17lb total weight loss now, and fast approaching the best I have ever done on a weight loss plan (which was about 21lb on WW about 6-7 years ago). I missed a week of WW after going on holiday, then one week turned into 2 and so on and so on. 6 years later I started SW 3 stone heavier. When I see it like that in black and white I cant believe I ever let myself get so much more overweight when I was SO CLOSE to being in the 'normal' weight range. I could kick myself.
Its so important to try and go to class and get officially weighed as often as you can. I am so motivated at the moment, that over Christmas I attended a SW class the day after boxing day up at my mums house in Lancashire. I looked on the internet to see where my nearest one was, and just turned up (the beauty of SW is that you can attend any class in the country if you need to). The class leader was really welcoming and the lady weighing was impressed that I STS (as was I!).
So... what did I do different this week. Well, there are a couple of things that spring to mind. The first being exercise.
In the first couple of weeks on SW I did a fair bit of exercise, (I always have when losing weight, I find exercise is the key with me). I found that my losses were a steady 1lbish per week which I was happy with. Then I was a bit poorly one week and didnt exercise at all, and lost 3lb! The correllation didnt go unnoticed, and from then on I reduced the exercise and didnt exercise at all over the weekend - just before my weigh in. The next week I put on 1lb. Hmmm, strange thing this weight loss lark.
Following that I exercised once or twice a week max, and went back to losing 1lbish per week.
This week I decided to do something different, I have nearly overdosed on exercise! HIIT (high intensity interval training) on the exercise bike twice for 25 minutes each, 1 hour zumba class and a 2 1/2 hour walk on Saturday morning. It seems to have done the trick! I dont want to get hung up on it though because it wont necessarily produce the same results every week. But I think getting back on the exercise train is definitely the way yo go. And also, it helps with tightening and toning up so you're not left with lots of saggy skin.
Secondly, I did up my intake of veg this week, and had a couple of vegge meals such as Spicey Quorn and Bean Bake. It was so yummy! I had it with pasta and a bit of cheese so the whole meal was free (cheese was my HEXA).
One thing I will say is I had a fried breakfast (non SW... dont ask) and a few chocolates from leftover Christmas presents during the week... and I still lost 2.5lb. Im not advising people do this every week, but it just goes to show you dont have to completely deprive yourself. I have never felt deprived on SW, whereas on WW I spent a lot of the time feeling hungry and having a rumbly stomach. It might work great for some, its personal choice I suppose.
YIPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
I am a slow and steady 1lb a week girl (and sometimes 0.5lb a week), so any loss over 1lb is amazing, I was grinning like a cheshire cat all night long.
Im up to 17lb total weight loss now, and fast approaching the best I have ever done on a weight loss plan (which was about 21lb on WW about 6-7 years ago). I missed a week of WW after going on holiday, then one week turned into 2 and so on and so on. 6 years later I started SW 3 stone heavier. When I see it like that in black and white I cant believe I ever let myself get so much more overweight when I was SO CLOSE to being in the 'normal' weight range. I could kick myself.
Its so important to try and go to class and get officially weighed as often as you can. I am so motivated at the moment, that over Christmas I attended a SW class the day after boxing day up at my mums house in Lancashire. I looked on the internet to see where my nearest one was, and just turned up (the beauty of SW is that you can attend any class in the country if you need to). The class leader was really welcoming and the lady weighing was impressed that I STS (as was I!).
So... what did I do different this week. Well, there are a couple of things that spring to mind. The first being exercise.
In the first couple of weeks on SW I did a fair bit of exercise, (I always have when losing weight, I find exercise is the key with me). I found that my losses were a steady 1lbish per week which I was happy with. Then I was a bit poorly one week and didnt exercise at all, and lost 3lb! The correllation didnt go unnoticed, and from then on I reduced the exercise and didnt exercise at all over the weekend - just before my weigh in. The next week I put on 1lb. Hmmm, strange thing this weight loss lark.
Following that I exercised once or twice a week max, and went back to losing 1lbish per week.
This week I decided to do something different, I have nearly overdosed on exercise! HIIT (high intensity interval training) on the exercise bike twice for 25 minutes each, 1 hour zumba class and a 2 1/2 hour walk on Saturday morning. It seems to have done the trick! I dont want to get hung up on it though because it wont necessarily produce the same results every week. But I think getting back on the exercise train is definitely the way yo go. And also, it helps with tightening and toning up so you're not left with lots of saggy skin.
Secondly, I did up my intake of veg this week, and had a couple of vegge meals such as Spicey Quorn and Bean Bake. It was so yummy! I had it with pasta and a bit of cheese so the whole meal was free (cheese was my HEXA).
One thing I will say is I had a fried breakfast (non SW... dont ask) and a few chocolates from leftover Christmas presents during the week... and I still lost 2.5lb. Im not advising people do this every week, but it just goes to show you dont have to completely deprive yourself. I have never felt deprived on SW, whereas on WW I spent a lot of the time feeling hungry and having a rumbly stomach. It might work great for some, its personal choice I suppose.
Monday, 16 January 2012
Weigh in Day
So today is weigh in day.
I always feel a mix of dread and excitement on a Monday.. which starts on the Sunday before.
I have some weird kind of rituals (rituals is the wrong word really but I cant think of a better one right now), that start on the Sunday in preperation for weigh in on Monday, which I'm sure some people would class as obsessive behaviour, but they make me feel better and more confident about weigh in so there you go.
On Sunday I dont necessarily eat less, I just make sure the things I am eating aren't very dense.. The day before weigh in I guess you could eat whatever crap you wanted as long as it didnt weigh very much.
I once overheard a conversation in the weigh in queue, one woman was saying 'I've only had breakfast and some monster munch today, I'm scared of eating too much heavy stuff in case if affects the weigh in', other woman responds 'dont be silly, it doesnt affect weigh in, you could eat anything', she responds 'of course it matters, if you ate 1lb of potatoes you would be 1lb heavier than if you didnt!'. That kind of stuck with me, probably not for the better. So now I basically dont eat very much on weigh in day. I eat my 2 meals and a snack... but definitely less that I usually would.
I'm not naive, I totally understand that this probably isnt the recommended behaviour... but once you've done it once, its very hard not to do it as you genuinely think it will affect your weigh in that week!
I get very nervous in the queue waiting to be weighed. Your loss and weight is supposed to be private, but usually the meetings are held in such a small room that its impossible not to hear peoples results (and see their weight in their books). Which is fine if you've done really well, not so good if you've had a gain...
But if you've had a loss, boy oh boy do you feel good! Big grin, pat on the back etc etc.
What I do after weigh in is have a meal 'off plan'. This is a meal I fancy, without necessarily sticking to the SW rules, and no syn counting either. Some people advise against this type of thing, saying it doesnt break the chain of classing things as 'naughty food' (SW say nothing is off limits, you just have to have it in moderation and within your daily syns).
Other say imagine your weight loss if you didnt have this meal every week.
There are lots of different points of view, but my personal point of view is that I know my limitations. I know that if I didnt have a meal off every week I would simply crave this food and go off plan during the week trying to satisfy my cravings. And I really look forward to this meal, I'll admit less and less as the weeks go on though. Its funny how your taste buds change. But dont get me wrong, its still a meal I savour.
My way of look at it is its better to have a planned deviation and keep in control, than to have a craving for something that gets out of control and to totally ruin a whole day with 'well its ruined now I might as well give up for today'. Each to their own.
I read an article on The Guardian website recently about weight loss clubs such as Slimming World, and it was scathing to say the least.
Basically it was saying that these clubs rely on people failing in order for them to carry on as a business and make money. In a way I can see their point, but I know from personal experience that without the 'fear of the scales' I just dont do very well. I dont have a high level of motivation (as you may have picked up from earlier posts..though this is improving) and I just continually cheat (even though even as I'm doing it I know I'm only cheating myself). So I find that this way works for me.
People who have never had weight problems cannot even begin to imagine the psychological issues that go hand in hand with overeating. The comments on this article were all of the 'just exercise more and eat less' nature. Which infuriates me. We all know HOW to lose weight, but DOING it is much, much harder.
I always feel a mix of dread and excitement on a Monday.. which starts on the Sunday before.
I have some weird kind of rituals (rituals is the wrong word really but I cant think of a better one right now), that start on the Sunday in preperation for weigh in on Monday, which I'm sure some people would class as obsessive behaviour, but they make me feel better and more confident about weigh in so there you go.
On Sunday I dont necessarily eat less, I just make sure the things I am eating aren't very dense.. The day before weigh in I guess you could eat whatever crap you wanted as long as it didnt weigh very much.
I once overheard a conversation in the weigh in queue, one woman was saying 'I've only had breakfast and some monster munch today, I'm scared of eating too much heavy stuff in case if affects the weigh in', other woman responds 'dont be silly, it doesnt affect weigh in, you could eat anything', she responds 'of course it matters, if you ate 1lb of potatoes you would be 1lb heavier than if you didnt!'. That kind of stuck with me, probably not for the better. So now I basically dont eat very much on weigh in day. I eat my 2 meals and a snack... but definitely less that I usually would.
I'm not naive, I totally understand that this probably isnt the recommended behaviour... but once you've done it once, its very hard not to do it as you genuinely think it will affect your weigh in that week!
I get very nervous in the queue waiting to be weighed. Your loss and weight is supposed to be private, but usually the meetings are held in such a small room that its impossible not to hear peoples results (and see their weight in their books). Which is fine if you've done really well, not so good if you've had a gain...
But if you've had a loss, boy oh boy do you feel good! Big grin, pat on the back etc etc.
What I do after weigh in is have a meal 'off plan'. This is a meal I fancy, without necessarily sticking to the SW rules, and no syn counting either. Some people advise against this type of thing, saying it doesnt break the chain of classing things as 'naughty food' (SW say nothing is off limits, you just have to have it in moderation and within your daily syns).
Other say imagine your weight loss if you didnt have this meal every week.
There are lots of different points of view, but my personal point of view is that I know my limitations. I know that if I didnt have a meal off every week I would simply crave this food and go off plan during the week trying to satisfy my cravings. And I really look forward to this meal, I'll admit less and less as the weeks go on though. Its funny how your taste buds change. But dont get me wrong, its still a meal I savour.
My way of look at it is its better to have a planned deviation and keep in control, than to have a craving for something that gets out of control and to totally ruin a whole day with 'well its ruined now I might as well give up for today'. Each to their own.
I read an article on The Guardian website recently about weight loss clubs such as Slimming World, and it was scathing to say the least.
Basically it was saying that these clubs rely on people failing in order for them to carry on as a business and make money. In a way I can see their point, but I know from personal experience that without the 'fear of the scales' I just dont do very well. I dont have a high level of motivation (as you may have picked up from earlier posts..though this is improving) and I just continually cheat (even though even as I'm doing it I know I'm only cheating myself). So I find that this way works for me.
People who have never had weight problems cannot even begin to imagine the psychological issues that go hand in hand with overeating. The comments on this article were all of the 'just exercise more and eat less' nature. Which infuriates me. We all know HOW to lose weight, but DOING it is much, much harder.
Friday, 13 January 2012
Brand New Start.
Oh my gosh.
I have just logged on here for the first time since August and I CANT BELIEVE how much things have changed.
I sound so depressed in all my posts, and I was, I can see that now. Clutching at quick fixes and fad diets, all in vain. Hating myself, using food as a crutch/comforter then hating myself again when it all went wrong.
I feel like I am a totally different person, and actually reading through my old posts was starting to make me a bit angry. The total lack of commitment and tenacity has shocked me and made me realise exactly how much I have changed in this short space of time.
It can all be attributed to two words: Slimming World.
Now, I have tried Slimming World in the past but (surprise surprise) my heart wasn’t in it and I made minimal effort to really understand the plan and left after about 3 weeks. I know right. Pathetic. It sums up pretty much every experience of weight loss attempts I have ever had.
I’m gona be really honest with you here, the reason I decided to go back to Slimming World is because I had an almighty argument with my husband about my weight.
He has always been really understanding and loves me for me, I know that for a fact. But he had obviously noticed I was getting bigger and bigger and after a discussion about starting trying for a baby (which I was desperate to do) he basically said I needed to address my weight before we could even consider this. I was absolutely heartbroken. Probably because he had hit a nerve and was 100% right, but to have it spelt out to you is really hard to take.
It took me another 2 weeks to do anything but on the Monday night, I joined a Slimming World class and haven’t looked back. It was a shock getting weighed, I weighed more than I was expecting – 14st 7.5lb but I had taken the first step and now I felt there was no stopping me.
I missed my first weigh in as I’m a divvy and got mixed up with the days, but I went the following week and lost 1.5lb. Not a massive loss, and I was slightly disappointed, but it’s a loss all the same.
Now, we’re 4 months on and I’ve lost……. 14.5lbs!! I’m absolutely over the moon! I feel full of optimism and drive and willpower. I really really feel this is the time I will get to the weight I should be. And the best bit of all is that it hasn’t felt like a diet at ALL. There have been times I have craved certain things, and I think I will always crave certain things, it’s the reason I need to lose weight in the first place. But this plan is so good it still lets you have a little of what you crave without banning it entirely. Perfect!
This post sounds like an advertisement for Slimming World so apologies for that, it definitely isn’t, its just had such a massive impact on my weight, my health, my motivation, my optimism…. I could go on.
If anyone’s reading this thinking ‘I can’t do that’, or ‘1 stone in 4 months that’s ages’ I understand-I was the same, but believe me, the weeks go by so quick it has hardly felt like 4 months, and already I am a stone down in what feels like the blink of an eye.
Its my 30th birthday at the end of April, so even if I carry on at this fairly low rate of loss I will still have lost 2 stone (or 28lbs, however you want to look at it), which is just awesome.
I AM GOING TO STICK WITH IT THIS TIME!
Also, I have decided I will start posting nice recipes etc on here, and thoughts on Slimming World/food/photos/experiences etc etc. Mainly for my benefit to look back at my progress and see how far I've come really, but if it helps anyone else then bonus!
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