I have completely lost the plot diet wise.
The last few of months have been one long round of losing and gaining. Its ridiculous.
I cant seem to get back in the swing of it, I try for a couple of days but then I always do something to completely cock it up.
When I started SW I was totally in the zone and I lost consistently. In the first 4 months I never gained once. Then over christmas I sts for 2 weeks (which I was very happy with), but since then I just cant get back in the zone.
Theres quite a lot going on at the moment (as you may have seen from my last post) and this could make me go one of two ways. I could either completely lose it and regain all the weight I have lost, which in the past would definitely have been the outcome. Or I can give my head a shake, and put everything I can into trying to get to get down to a BMI of 30 - maximum allowed for IVF. The second option should be a no brainer, but I CANT DO IT!
Someone please give me a massive kick up the bum. I want a baby more than anything else in the world right now. I cant think of anything else. So WHY do I keep eating stuff I shouldnt be??!
If I think about it, I guess its old habits kicking in. I have had a lifetime of turning to food in difficult situations, for comfort. This situation is worse than any I have faced so I guess my first instinct would be to comfort with food. I thought I was overcoming this but apparently not.
I think part of it is burying my head in the sand too. Its almost like if I dont think about it, it isnt happening. Food is a distraction, and it makes me feel happy - covering up my feelings of sadness.
Come one. I can do this. I HAVE to do this.
Maybe I should go back to the start, pretend like I'm just starting SW for the first time. Look at all my books all the time, write everything down etc.
Phew I feel like I have just had a therapy session with myself!
Theres such a long journey ahead for me and the husband. If I think about it too much its overwhelming and I almost cant face it. All the waiting, sadness, heartache, getting your hopes up.
We've only told a couple of people up to now. But I feel like I want to tell everyone I meet, so they can understand why I have down days. Why we havent had kids yet. Why I'm angry about everything.
Its really made me think about a lot of things. You just dont know what is going on in a persons life. If someone is offhand with you for seemingly no reason, or is unusually quiet. Or even if they havent had kids yet and you're wondering why - there really could be so many reasons.
Also, its made me have even more respect and love for my grandparents. The reason for this is that they tried for 10 years to have children - this was in the late 40's early 50's so there wasnt really any 'fertility treatment' available for them. They just tried and tried and never gave up. After 10 long years they fell pregnant with my mum, then 4 years later with my Uncle. THEY NEVER GAVE UP.
My mum says when my grandad found out my grandma was pregnant he ran down the street shouting it out loud and clicking his heels. This image really makes me heart swell, when I think of all the heartache and longing they must have experience over those 10 years his heart must have just been bursting with joy!
I like to think they are looking after my baby in heaven until its ready to join us. I'm not a very religious person but this thought really comforts me.
Monday, 18 June 2012
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
Tidal Wave of Sadness
WARNING - this post contains a lot of sadness, self indulgence and not a lot of slimming world.
I apologies but I need to get it all of my chest.
The last couple of weeks have been an exercise in self restraint.
Trying like mad to keep my head above a tidal wave of sadness.
I try to push the thoughts to the back of my mind because if I let them win I may never be the same again. If I think about it too much my heart almost explodes with sadness.
It’s worse at night, when I’m trying to get to sleep but the thoughts won’t let me.
We have been trying for a baby for nearly a year now. I knew in my heart a couple f months ago that something wasn’t right. I presumed it would be a problem with me, it wasn’t.
I went to the doctors to talk to her about it, and also to ask whether or not my erratic and short periods were hampering our efforts. She booked me in for blood tests and also said my husband should have a sperm test done just to be on the safe side.
Well, my results came back normal, and husbands came back with sad news, 0 sperm count.
When he first told me, the gravity of it didn’t really hit me. Then it all came crashing down and I cried, oh how I cried. I cried all afternoon non-stop. I was at work so had to go home.
I was sad for us obviously, but most of all I was sad for him. He may never have his own biological child. He may never know what his child would look like, would they have his eyes, his nose. He may never be a father, not a real one anyway, not a biological one.
He has had another test and we are waiting on the results, but to have 0 sperm in the first one?! Thats not a one off, we’re not expecting any new results from this second test but they have to do 2 to make sure.
After the initial shock wore off, I got into positive mode. Right, all is not lost. You may be producing sperm but it just can’t get out. That’s a real possibility, I’ve done a lot of research and reading since this happened and if they are in there struggling to get out then all is not lost. There are procedures they can do to get them out and injected into my eggs.
Husband and I managed to put a smile on and look at the positives. We talked about what our options may be and what we would do if he couldn’t have his own child. We could have a sperm donor so that we could have a child that was at least mine. He would struggle with this and told me as much. But we reasoned if it was the other way round, I would rather we had a child that was only his than neither of ours. He agreed. We talked about adoption, there are hundreds of children out there with no-one to care for them. This, I’ll be honest, would be a last resort. I hate to sound so cold about a human life but I myself would struggle to take on another persons child, knowing they had no blood relation to me. Knowing when they got to 18 they would probably want to find their real parents to find out who they are. Knowing that I would have brought them up as my own and yet they would long to know their real parents. Its tough, I admire anyone who adopts a child.
So where does this leave us.
Well, we are waiting for the results of husbands second sperm test. 99% knowing what the results will be but praying for a miracle.
We have an appointment at the fertility clinic in a few weeks. I’m very nervous about this. I have no idea what will happen in this appointment, what they will ask. What our options will be. I know they are going to bring up the issue of my weight. I have lost 21lbs up to now, but I need t lose a lot more. In fact 18lbs more just to get to bmi of 30 (max they will allow for IVF and other procedures).
I really need to get my head focused. I know that even if we are approved for one of these procedures (if we need it) we will be on a waiting list so I have some time to get there, but I need to get to this weight as a minimum before it can all begin and its so daunting. I’m so glad I started when I did or I would have a whole 39lbs to lose now!!
One of the hardest things about all of this is other peoples babies. I never thought I would be that woman, longing for a baby and looking at all the mothers with their newborns wishing it was me. When a baby advert comes on tv my heart drops. One of husbands work colleagues brought in a scan picture yesterday can you believe it!! The timing is incredible. She wasn’t trying and it’s a surprise. I can’t lie, that makes me feel sick. But I said to him we have to be happy for her, if she’s happy. We cant put a downer on other peoples good news.
I started thinking what if our friends start getting pregnant, I won’t be happy for them. I will be the miserable cow who cant be happy for her friends.
Oh theres so much to think about and get worked up over. I know I should try and relax and wait until we’ve had our first appointment. But obviously that’s impossible.
The true weight of all this is teetering on a scale, a slight breeze could tip it over and come crashing down on me. At the moment every time I start to think about it I try and think about something else. I feel angry a lot and I’m scared that this is all going to affect irreversibly.
I apologies but I need to get it all of my chest.
The last couple of weeks have been an exercise in self restraint.
Trying like mad to keep my head above a tidal wave of sadness.
I try to push the thoughts to the back of my mind because if I let them win I may never be the same again. If I think about it too much my heart almost explodes with sadness.
It’s worse at night, when I’m trying to get to sleep but the thoughts won’t let me.
We have been trying for a baby for nearly a year now. I knew in my heart a couple f months ago that something wasn’t right. I presumed it would be a problem with me, it wasn’t.
I went to the doctors to talk to her about it, and also to ask whether or not my erratic and short periods were hampering our efforts. She booked me in for blood tests and also said my husband should have a sperm test done just to be on the safe side.
Well, my results came back normal, and husbands came back with sad news, 0 sperm count.
When he first told me, the gravity of it didn’t really hit me. Then it all came crashing down and I cried, oh how I cried. I cried all afternoon non-stop. I was at work so had to go home.
I was sad for us obviously, but most of all I was sad for him. He may never have his own biological child. He may never know what his child would look like, would they have his eyes, his nose. He may never be a father, not a real one anyway, not a biological one.
He has had another test and we are waiting on the results, but to have 0 sperm in the first one?! Thats not a one off, we’re not expecting any new results from this second test but they have to do 2 to make sure.
After the initial shock wore off, I got into positive mode. Right, all is not lost. You may be producing sperm but it just can’t get out. That’s a real possibility, I’ve done a lot of research and reading since this happened and if they are in there struggling to get out then all is not lost. There are procedures they can do to get them out and injected into my eggs.
Husband and I managed to put a smile on and look at the positives. We talked about what our options may be and what we would do if he couldn’t have his own child. We could have a sperm donor so that we could have a child that was at least mine. He would struggle with this and told me as much. But we reasoned if it was the other way round, I would rather we had a child that was only his than neither of ours. He agreed. We talked about adoption, there are hundreds of children out there with no-one to care for them. This, I’ll be honest, would be a last resort. I hate to sound so cold about a human life but I myself would struggle to take on another persons child, knowing they had no blood relation to me. Knowing when they got to 18 they would probably want to find their real parents to find out who they are. Knowing that I would have brought them up as my own and yet they would long to know their real parents. Its tough, I admire anyone who adopts a child.
So where does this leave us.
Well, we are waiting for the results of husbands second sperm test. 99% knowing what the results will be but praying for a miracle.
We have an appointment at the fertility clinic in a few weeks. I’m very nervous about this. I have no idea what will happen in this appointment, what they will ask. What our options will be. I know they are going to bring up the issue of my weight. I have lost 21lbs up to now, but I need t lose a lot more. In fact 18lbs more just to get to bmi of 30 (max they will allow for IVF and other procedures).
I really need to get my head focused. I know that even if we are approved for one of these procedures (if we need it) we will be on a waiting list so I have some time to get there, but I need to get to this weight as a minimum before it can all begin and its so daunting. I’m so glad I started when I did or I would have a whole 39lbs to lose now!!
One of the hardest things about all of this is other peoples babies. I never thought I would be that woman, longing for a baby and looking at all the mothers with their newborns wishing it was me. When a baby advert comes on tv my heart drops. One of husbands work colleagues brought in a scan picture yesterday can you believe it!! The timing is incredible. She wasn’t trying and it’s a surprise. I can’t lie, that makes me feel sick. But I said to him we have to be happy for her, if she’s happy. We cant put a downer on other peoples good news.
I started thinking what if our friends start getting pregnant, I won’t be happy for them. I will be the miserable cow who cant be happy for her friends.
Oh theres so much to think about and get worked up over. I know I should try and relax and wait until we’ve had our first appointment. But obviously that’s impossible.
The true weight of all this is teetering on a scale, a slight breeze could tip it over and come crashing down on me. At the moment every time I start to think about it I try and think about something else. I feel angry a lot and I’m scared that this is all going to affect irreversibly.
Wednesday, 14 March 2012
Pity Party
Oh god. I'm not feeling on top of the world today.
I wish I was feeling more up beat and positive. But I'm not.
Ok lets start with a positive... I lost 1.5lb on Monday yay! That takes me to 21.5lb off altogether and its pretty much the best I have ever done on a weight loss plan. I am so so happy I started sw and have kept going with it. I would like to try and get to 2 stone off by my birthday but I know whenever I set targets I tend to go astray. So I'll just keep plodding and see where I get.
This week, I started calorie counting. Now I know I know, this is not part of the sw plan. But I thought I'd give it a go seen as my losses havent been great for a few weeks now. Its interesting to see how the calories add up.
Ok.. you've had the good news, here's the bad news. I'm not pregnant. Still. The witch showed her face this morining in all her glory.
Oh I had totally convinced myself this was the month. I had numerous 'symptoms', and the twinges and cramps etc, but alas it was not to be. I'm not going to go over my worries again, I've explained them numerous times now and its getting boring keep going over them in my own head never mind writing them down.
God I'm feeling so sorry for myself. Period pains and cramps are soo painful this month. I'm on the verge of tears because of this but also because I'm upset I didnt catch this month. I really do not want to be at work right now. Will someone please rescue me from this pity party...
All I want right now is to be a mum. I literally cannot think of anything else. I know putting all this pressure on myself probably isnt helping. But I feel like I'm under pressure timewise. I dont want to be an old mum.
Oh christ, just had a breakdown in the office. A colleague just asked if I was ok and I burst out crying. Went out of the office to calm down. Bless my colleague she really looked after me. Got me a drink and some paracetomol and told me to take 15 minutes out. Then came through with biscuits and 'softer tissues' bless her heart. Actually I feel a lot better now. Even though I've made a right show of myself.
Pull yourself together now girl. People have been through a lot worse.
I wish I was feeling more up beat and positive. But I'm not.
Ok lets start with a positive... I lost 1.5lb on Monday yay! That takes me to 21.5lb off altogether and its pretty much the best I have ever done on a weight loss plan. I am so so happy I started sw and have kept going with it. I would like to try and get to 2 stone off by my birthday but I know whenever I set targets I tend to go astray. So I'll just keep plodding and see where I get.
This week, I started calorie counting. Now I know I know, this is not part of the sw plan. But I thought I'd give it a go seen as my losses havent been great for a few weeks now. Its interesting to see how the calories add up.
Ok.. you've had the good news, here's the bad news. I'm not pregnant. Still. The witch showed her face this morining in all her glory.
Oh I had totally convinced myself this was the month. I had numerous 'symptoms', and the twinges and cramps etc, but alas it was not to be. I'm not going to go over my worries again, I've explained them numerous times now and its getting boring keep going over them in my own head never mind writing them down.
God I'm feeling so sorry for myself. Period pains and cramps are soo painful this month. I'm on the verge of tears because of this but also because I'm upset I didnt catch this month. I really do not want to be at work right now. Will someone please rescue me from this pity party...
All I want right now is to be a mum. I literally cannot think of anything else. I know putting all this pressure on myself probably isnt helping. But I feel like I'm under pressure timewise. I dont want to be an old mum.
Oh christ, just had a breakdown in the office. A colleague just asked if I was ok and I burst out crying. Went out of the office to calm down. Bless my colleague she really looked after me. Got me a drink and some paracetomol and told me to take 15 minutes out. Then came through with biscuits and 'softer tissues' bless her heart. Actually I feel a lot better now. Even though I've made a right show of myself.
Pull yourself together now girl. People have been through a lot worse.
Thursday, 8 March 2012
New Attitude
I'm back!
I have a new positive attitude and I'm raring to go!
I realised over the weekend I was sabotaging my own success, and I've gone right back to basics with SW and started again as if it was my first week. I know it works I just needed to get back in the right headspace as I said before.
I've got the whole weeks meals planned, lots and lots of veg (I find it easier to incorporate lots of veg into my meals than lots of fruit..), I've done one session on the exercise bike, got zumba tonight and badminton tomorrow, and weather permtting me and husband are going on a long walk over the weekend.
I've homecooked every meal so far this week (last week was really bad, out to eat 3 times and didnt have any food in or time to go shopping so subesquently didnt make the best choices) and all the meals included loads of veg. I'm drinking lots of water and limiting my snacks. I feel better already!
I didnt go to weigh in on Monday as I was off ill, waited right up until 1 hour before class to text my consultant as I really didnt want to miss a week, but I felt truly awful. In a way, it was a good thing. I knew I was probably on course for a gain which I was dreading. And this has kind of given me a fresh new start. Husband was worried I would go off the rails and stop completely like I have in the past-but I assured him I was more determined than ever and have so far proven it!
I've had some really nice meals since the weekend - vegetarian curry/ soft cheese and cherry tomato stuffed chicken with veg, parsnips and herby boiled potatoes/ chicken and butternut squash risotto/ spicey quorn sausage bake... Tonight I'm having pasta serve as I have zumba and need something quick before I go. Tomorrow I'm making a salmon and prawn pasta concoction with steamed veg. Not sure about Saturday's tea yet but Sunday will be steamed salmon with sw chips and roasted veg (ya know, something light before weigh in on Monday haha). It feels good to have the meals planned and sorted, I feel a lot more organised and I think this is going to be the key going forward.
So there you go, a post that is like the cheese to my last posts chalk.
I'm really going to try and keep the positive attitude, and in regards to ttc- when it happens it happens. I may not feel like that next week or even tomorrow, but for now I do so I'm making the most of it.
I have a new positive attitude and I'm raring to go!
I realised over the weekend I was sabotaging my own success, and I've gone right back to basics with SW and started again as if it was my first week. I know it works I just needed to get back in the right headspace as I said before.
I've got the whole weeks meals planned, lots and lots of veg (I find it easier to incorporate lots of veg into my meals than lots of fruit..), I've done one session on the exercise bike, got zumba tonight and badminton tomorrow, and weather permtting me and husband are going on a long walk over the weekend.
I've homecooked every meal so far this week (last week was really bad, out to eat 3 times and didnt have any food in or time to go shopping so subesquently didnt make the best choices) and all the meals included loads of veg. I'm drinking lots of water and limiting my snacks. I feel better already!
I didnt go to weigh in on Monday as I was off ill, waited right up until 1 hour before class to text my consultant as I really didnt want to miss a week, but I felt truly awful. In a way, it was a good thing. I knew I was probably on course for a gain which I was dreading. And this has kind of given me a fresh new start. Husband was worried I would go off the rails and stop completely like I have in the past-but I assured him I was more determined than ever and have so far proven it!
I've had some really nice meals since the weekend - vegetarian curry/ soft cheese and cherry tomato stuffed chicken with veg, parsnips and herby boiled potatoes/ chicken and butternut squash risotto/ spicey quorn sausage bake... Tonight I'm having pasta serve as I have zumba and need something quick before I go. Tomorrow I'm making a salmon and prawn pasta concoction with steamed veg. Not sure about Saturday's tea yet but Sunday will be steamed salmon with sw chips and roasted veg (ya know, something light before weigh in on Monday haha). It feels good to have the meals planned and sorted, I feel a lot more organised and I think this is going to be the key going forward.
So there you go, a post that is like the cheese to my last posts chalk.
I'm really going to try and keep the positive attitude, and in regards to ttc- when it happens it happens. I may not feel like that next week or even tomorrow, but for now I do so I'm making the most of it.
Friday, 2 March 2012
New Day
Right.
Today is a new day. No more whinging and moaning (in this post at least..).
Everythings fine with hubby, we are carrying on trying for a baby (as taking a break was mentioned when we argued).
I feel much happier today and seem to have a mindset of it happens when it happens. How long this will last is anyones guess but for today-its working.
Diet wise... eek, I think I may have to perform a miracle this weekend to even STS on Monday. But as ever, I will keep on trucking. I know it works, I have the proof of this and I know I can do it. Its about getting back into the right headspace. I'll get there.
I had a zumba class last night, and I think it proved to me that exercise does make you happy. I had such a bad day yesterday (as you may have noticed), and I didnt really want to go to class. But I went anyway and I'm so glad I did.
Apart from anything else, its an hour break from the world. I get completely engrossed in the class and the more out of breath and sweaty I get the better! Who'd have thought I would ever say something like that. The body releases endorphins when you exercise and by the end of the class I definitely had a smile on my face.
Me and husband are playing badminton later tonight. I'm hoping it will help towards weigh in on Monday though I'm not sure if its too late in the week... It will be fun anyway, even if husband does beat me everytime.
I have to try and stay positive. Sometimes the pressure of these two things starts to get a bit much. But by trying to keep a positive attitude it really helps me to cope.
Today is a new day. No more whinging and moaning (in this post at least..).
Everythings fine with hubby, we are carrying on trying for a baby (as taking a break was mentioned when we argued).
I feel much happier today and seem to have a mindset of it happens when it happens. How long this will last is anyones guess but for today-its working.
Diet wise... eek, I think I may have to perform a miracle this weekend to even STS on Monday. But as ever, I will keep on trucking. I know it works, I have the proof of this and I know I can do it. Its about getting back into the right headspace. I'll get there.
I had a zumba class last night, and I think it proved to me that exercise does make you happy. I had such a bad day yesterday (as you may have noticed), and I didnt really want to go to class. But I went anyway and I'm so glad I did.
Apart from anything else, its an hour break from the world. I get completely engrossed in the class and the more out of breath and sweaty I get the better! Who'd have thought I would ever say something like that. The body releases endorphins when you exercise and by the end of the class I definitely had a smile on my face.
Me and husband are playing badminton later tonight. I'm hoping it will help towards weigh in on Monday though I'm not sure if its too late in the week... It will be fun anyway, even if husband does beat me everytime.
I have to try and stay positive. Sometimes the pressure of these two things starts to get a bit much. But by trying to keep a positive attitude it really helps me to cope.
Thursday, 1 March 2012
Mrs Miserable
God I really am Mrs Miserable today.
I have to post again as theres nowhere else to get it out! I feel like I'm going mad.
I've stomped about like a bear with a sore head all day long. Hardly spoke a word at work and on the verge of tears pretty much all day. Whats wrong with me.
I feel so down and miserable, I'm getting sick my hearing myself say that now. I need to snap out of it before I spiral into oblivion and ruin everthing.
EDIT
Why is it that when you start ttc, all you see is babies! And everyone you know is announcing pregnancies?!...
Just today, I have found out 2 facebook friends are pregnant.
When I nipped to Sainsburys on my lunch break - my wedding day makeup artist (havent seen for 2 years) was pushing a pram with her small baby!
Then I turned down an aisle and almost walked into a heavily pregnant woman!!
Its unbelievable. It feels like god is taunting me.
My rational mind knows that 6 months isnt a long time. And that, like I have been advised, anywhere up to 2 years is normal for ttc. But when I think about it too much I get terrified that it will never happen for me. I think I put pressure on myself too because I always said I would have my first baby before I turn 30. And see as I turn 30 in two months it isnt gona happen. That was quite hard for me to come to terms with at first.
I'm really prattling on arent I. I'm sure I've said all of this stuff numerous times.
Ok, I really will stop now, you must be getting so fed up of my negative attitude.
Hopefully it will have disappeared by tomorrow.
I have to post again as theres nowhere else to get it out! I feel like I'm going mad.
I've stomped about like a bear with a sore head all day long. Hardly spoke a word at work and on the verge of tears pretty much all day. Whats wrong with me.
I feel so down and miserable, I'm getting sick my hearing myself say that now. I need to snap out of it before I spiral into oblivion and ruin everthing.
EDIT
Why is it that when you start ttc, all you see is babies! And everyone you know is announcing pregnancies?!...
Just today, I have found out 2 facebook friends are pregnant.
When I nipped to Sainsburys on my lunch break - my wedding day makeup artist (havent seen for 2 years) was pushing a pram with her small baby!
Then I turned down an aisle and almost walked into a heavily pregnant woman!!
Its unbelievable. It feels like god is taunting me.
My rational mind knows that 6 months isnt a long time. And that, like I have been advised, anywhere up to 2 years is normal for ttc. But when I think about it too much I get terrified that it will never happen for me. I think I put pressure on myself too because I always said I would have my first baby before I turn 30. And see as I turn 30 in two months it isnt gona happen. That was quite hard for me to come to terms with at first.
I'm really prattling on arent I. I'm sure I've said all of this stuff numerous times.
Ok, I really will stop now, you must be getting so fed up of my negative attitude.
Hopefully it will have disappeared by tomorrow.
On a Downer
I apologise upfront for this post.. its gona be a real downer so look away now if you want.
I am feeling really fed up and sad today. Really really fed up and down.
I feel like my diet is going tits up and its all my fault for not sticking to it properly. I cant seem to snap out of this rut and feel like I'm wasting my money every week. Last week I STS, week before I lost 1.5lb, week before that I STS. Its feels like ground hog day - small loss-sts-small loss-sts. I know its my fault, I'm slipping into old habits then trying to rectify it before weigh in day by not eating very much or just having soup or something. This is what I used to do when I got desperate to lose. I feel stressed about it and I'm starting to dread every weigh in now. I feel like I've done so well so far, and I know I can go all the way. But theres a wall in front of me and right now its 200ft high and smooth as marble. And I cant get my head around how to scale it.
Also.. and this is the only place I feel I can talk about it (with it being semi anonymous), trying for a baby is starting to fall apart.
Every month is like a rollercoaster, excitement of trying and then symptom spotting, then waiting to test then getting a negative. Its so utterley disappointing every month and I dont think I can take much more. I know it sounds abit dramatic as we've only been trying 6 months, but I never thought it would take so long and the longer it goes on the more I have a sinking feeling that something is physically wrong with me or my husband.
I see all these people on facebook etc posting about being pregnant, and I am happy for them, but at the same time I'm insanely jealous. I dont want to feel like this. I dont want to turn into an obsessive monster about it I really dont.
I keep thinking why not me, why isnt it my turn, when will it be my turn, whats wrong with me.
Me and husband fell out big time last night. He is very very private and didnt want me telling any family or close friends (or anyone at all) about the fact that we have started trying. I was annoyed but kept to it for months..until last night. I met with a friend for tea and we started talking about babies (we're both at an age where this gets talked about a lot) and it just slipped out. She is soo happy for us.
When I got home I slipped up in conversation and let slip I had told her. Hubby went mad. Says he cant trust me and is so disappointed. I reacted quite badly to that as I feel as though I have been keeping everything inside and cant really discuss how I'm feeling with anyone. I said I already feel stressed, upset etc and now guilty on top of that.
I feel like giving up. I feel like its never gona happen so why bother. I feel so pathetic for feeling so upset and talking about giving up already..
So there, I did warn you. I guess the two issues are inevitably related. Whats a girl to do, seriously tell me. I have no clue and no-one to turn to.
I am feeling really fed up and sad today. Really really fed up and down.
I feel like my diet is going tits up and its all my fault for not sticking to it properly. I cant seem to snap out of this rut and feel like I'm wasting my money every week. Last week I STS, week before I lost 1.5lb, week before that I STS. Its feels like ground hog day - small loss-sts-small loss-sts. I know its my fault, I'm slipping into old habits then trying to rectify it before weigh in day by not eating very much or just having soup or something. This is what I used to do when I got desperate to lose. I feel stressed about it and I'm starting to dread every weigh in now. I feel like I've done so well so far, and I know I can go all the way. But theres a wall in front of me and right now its 200ft high and smooth as marble. And I cant get my head around how to scale it.
Also.. and this is the only place I feel I can talk about it (with it being semi anonymous), trying for a baby is starting to fall apart.
Every month is like a rollercoaster, excitement of trying and then symptom spotting, then waiting to test then getting a negative. Its so utterley disappointing every month and I dont think I can take much more. I know it sounds abit dramatic as we've only been trying 6 months, but I never thought it would take so long and the longer it goes on the more I have a sinking feeling that something is physically wrong with me or my husband.
I see all these people on facebook etc posting about being pregnant, and I am happy for them, but at the same time I'm insanely jealous. I dont want to feel like this. I dont want to turn into an obsessive monster about it I really dont.
I keep thinking why not me, why isnt it my turn, when will it be my turn, whats wrong with me.
Me and husband fell out big time last night. He is very very private and didnt want me telling any family or close friends (or anyone at all) about the fact that we have started trying. I was annoyed but kept to it for months..until last night. I met with a friend for tea and we started talking about babies (we're both at an age where this gets talked about a lot) and it just slipped out. She is soo happy for us.
When I got home I slipped up in conversation and let slip I had told her. Hubby went mad. Says he cant trust me and is so disappointed. I reacted quite badly to that as I feel as though I have been keeping everything inside and cant really discuss how I'm feeling with anyone. I said I already feel stressed, upset etc and now guilty on top of that.
I feel like giving up. I feel like its never gona happen so why bother. I feel so pathetic for feeling so upset and talking about giving up already..
So there, I did warn you. I guess the two issues are inevitably related. Whats a girl to do, seriously tell me. I have no clue and no-one to turn to.
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