Lost the Plot

I have completely lost the plot diet wise.

The last few of months have been one long round of losing and gaining. Its ridiculous.
I cant seem to get back in the swing of it, I try for a couple of days but then I always do something to completely cock it up.
When I started SW I was totally in the zone and I lost consistently. In the first 4 months I never gained once. Then over christmas I sts for 2 weeks (which I was very happy with), but since then I just cant get back in the zone.
Theres quite a lot going on at the moment (as you may have seen from my last post) and this could make me go one of two ways. I could either completely lose it and regain all the weight I have lost, which in the past would definitely have been the outcome. Or I can give my head a shake, and put everything I can into trying to get to get down to a BMI of 30 - maximum allowed for IVF. The second option should be a no brainer, but I CANT DO IT!
Someone please give me a massive kick up the bum. I want a baby more than anything else in the world right now. I cant think of anything else. So WHY do I keep eating stuff I shouldnt be??!

If I think about it, I guess its old habits kicking in. I have had a lifetime of turning to food in difficult situations, for comfort. This situation is worse than any I have faced so I guess my first instinct would be to comfort with food. I thought I was overcoming this but apparently not.
I think part of it is burying my head in the sand too. Its almost like if I dont think about it, it isnt happening. Food is a distraction, and it makes me feel happy - covering up my feelings of sadness.

Come one. I can do this. I HAVE to do this.
Maybe I should go back to the start, pretend like I'm just starting SW for the first time. Look at all my books all the time, write everything down etc.

Phew I feel like I have just had a therapy session with myself!

Theres such a long journey ahead for me and the husband. If I think about it too much its overwhelming and I almost cant face it. All the waiting, sadness, heartache, getting your hopes up.
We've only told a couple of people up to now. But I feel like I want to tell everyone I meet, so they can understand why I have down days. Why we havent had kids yet. Why I'm angry about everything.
Its really made me think about a lot of things. You just dont know what is going on in a persons life. If someone is offhand with you for seemingly no reason, or is unusually quiet. Or even if they havent had kids yet and you're wondering why - there really could be so many reasons.

Also, its made me have even more respect and love for my grandparents. The reason for this is that they tried for 10 years to have children - this was in the late 40's early 50's so there wasnt really any 'fertility treatment' available for them. They just tried and tried and never gave up. After 10 long years they fell pregnant with my mum, then 4 years later with my Uncle. THEY NEVER GAVE UP.
My mum says when my grandad found out my grandma was pregnant he ran down the street shouting it out loud and clicking his heels. This image really makes me heart swell, when I think of all the heartache and longing they must have experience over those 10 years his heart must have just been bursting with joy!
I like to think they are looking after my baby in heaven until its ready to join us. I'm not a very religious person but this thought really comforts me.