Tidal Wave of Sadness

WARNING - this post contains a lot of sadness, self indulgence and not a lot of slimming world.
I apologies but I need to get it all of my chest.


The last couple of weeks have been an exercise in self restraint.



Trying like mad to keep my head above a tidal wave of sadness.


I try to push the thoughts to the back of my mind because if I let them win I may never be the same again. If I think about it too much my heart almost explodes with sadness.


It’s worse at night, when I’m trying to get to sleep but the thoughts won’t let me.


We have been trying for a baby for nearly a year now. I knew in my heart a couple f months ago that something wasn’t right. I presumed it would be a problem with me, it wasn’t.


I went to the doctors to talk to her about it, and also to ask whether or not my erratic and short periods were hampering our efforts. She booked me in for blood tests and also said my husband should have a sperm test done just to be on the safe side.


Well, my results came back normal, and husbands came back with sad news, 0 sperm count.


When he first told me, the gravity of it didn’t really hit me. Then it all came crashing down and I cried, oh how I cried. I cried all afternoon non-stop. I was at work so had to go home.


I was sad for us obviously, but most of all I was sad for him. He may never have his own biological child. He may never know what his child would look like, would they have his eyes, his nose. He may never be a father, not a real one anyway, not a biological one.


He has had another test and we are waiting on the results, but to have 0 sperm in the first one?! Thats not a one off, we’re not expecting any new results from this second test but they have to do 2 to make sure.


After the initial shock wore off, I got into positive mode. Right, all is not lost. You may be producing sperm but it just can’t get out. That’s a real possibility, I’ve done a lot of research and reading since this happened and if they are in there struggling to get out then all is not lost. There are procedures they can do to get them out and injected into my eggs.


Husband and I managed to put a smile on and look at the positives. We talked about what our options may be and what we would do if he couldn’t have his own child. We could have a sperm donor so that we could have a child that was at least mine. He would struggle with this and told me as much. But we reasoned if it was the other way round, I would rather we had a child that was only his than neither of ours. He agreed. We talked about adoption, there are hundreds of children out there with no-one to care for them. This, I’ll be honest, would be a last resort. I hate to sound so cold about a human life but I myself would struggle to take on another persons child, knowing they had no blood relation to me. Knowing when they got to 18 they would probably want to find their real parents to find out who they are. Knowing that I would have brought them up as my own and yet they would long to know their real parents. Its tough, I admire anyone who adopts a child.


So where does this leave us.


Well, we are waiting for the results of husbands second sperm test. 99% knowing what the results will be but praying for a miracle.


We have an appointment at the fertility clinic in a few weeks. I’m very nervous about this. I have no idea what will happen in this appointment, what they will ask. What our options will be. I know they are going to bring up the issue of my weight. I have lost 21lbs up to now, but I need t lose a lot more. In fact 18lbs more just to get to bmi of 30 (max they will allow for IVF and other procedures).


I really need to get my head focused. I know that even if we are approved for one of these procedures (if we need it) we will be on a waiting list so I have some time to get there, but I need to get to this weight as a minimum before it can all begin and its so daunting. I’m so glad I started when I did or I would have a whole 39lbs to lose now!!


One of the hardest things about all of this is other peoples babies. I never thought I would be that woman, longing for a baby and looking at all the mothers with their newborns wishing it was me. When a baby advert comes on tv my heart drops. One of husbands work colleagues brought in a scan picture yesterday can you believe it!! The timing is incredible. She wasn’t trying and it’s a surprise. I can’t lie, that makes me feel sick. But I said to him we have to be happy for her, if she’s happy. We cant put a downer on other peoples good news.


I started thinking what if our friends start getting pregnant, I won’t be happy for them. I will be the miserable cow who cant be happy for her friends.


Oh theres so much to think about and get worked up over. I know I should try and relax and wait until we’ve had our first appointment. But obviously that’s impossible.


The true weight of all this is teetering on a scale, a slight breeze could tip it over and come crashing down on me. At the moment every time I start to think about it I try and think about something else. I feel angry a lot and I’m scared that this is all going to affect irreversibly.