Here we go... again.

Ok... here we go.... my first blog post on my first day of my (latest) diet.

This isnt my first attempt (at losing weight), not by a long way, I have struggled with my weight for a loooooong time, im 26 now so we're looking at at least 10 years. And I am the heaviest now that I have ever been.. makes you feel like giving up doesnt it.

I know what my problem is, I eat no matter what the emotion, if I'm feeling happy I eat to congratulate myself, if I'm feeling sad, I eat to console myself, if I've had a bad day I say oh go on you deserve it after the day you've had. I cant win, no matter how I feel, I never feel like not eating. And its not necessarily the amount I eat.. its WHAT I eat. Oh yes, I know what the problem is, but that doesnt seem to make dealing with it any easier.

So therein lies the struggle I face everyday. Yes I am overweight, probably obese if im being completely honest with myself, I weigh 14 stone and the maximum I should be for my height is around 9 1/2 stone, so thats at least 4 1/2 stone overweight. Its a lot. And somedays it feels like an insurmountable task.

I watched a programme on eating disorders the other day, and instead of leaving me feeling appalled at these poor girls trying to starve themselves, it made me want to be like them. It made me want to stop eating, and want to puke everything up after I had eaten it. It makes me want to exercise until I cant stand up anymore. How messed up is that. I wanted an eating disorder, as I feel this is the only way I will ever be the size I want to be.

I dont know if writing this blog is going to help with my weightloss, but it will help with my sanity, it will be a release for all the thoughts that wizz through my mind regarding my weight. There isnt a day goes by where I dont think about how overweight I am and how disgusting it is. So in its own way, maybe this will help.

Wish me luck.